You know, I think I'm going to give up on making jokes, because no one ever seems to like them. Or get them. Colin, Mom, Hannah, Dani, Izzy, Teddy, Dad... no one. Not that any of them really care about anything I do, at all.
I'm hurting again, can you tell? I'm in pain, once more. Not that there isn't always a little hurt in the corner of my soul.
I want to scream. I wish no one was home, so I could.
I think I'm going to cry, and I have no idea why I should feel like doing that. I can't help it. I've been so stressed lately, and now it's all coming back to me again.
D'you know, the nights before my math exam, almost a week ago, I was wigging so bad that I was actually afraid of the dark? Can you imagine? Me, who's loved the dark for years, reverting back to my feelings about it as a small child. I was so messed up, because I was so freaked I would fail.
I feel sick, like I'm going to throw up, but I never do, when I feel like this.
I want to just curl up and sob. Find a safe place to hide in, where someone who will be able to love, really love me, who I could love, can find me. A place where only people like that could find me, where I could cry out the pain and the hurt, and they would actually comfort, and care. Then, when my last drop of pain had fallen from my eyes, I would go off with them, to a place where we could all be together, and be happy.
I'm lonely again--no, make that still--too.
I want to tell Izzy off so bad. I can't express how much he annoys me, when I see him, now. He really gets on my nerves badly.
If he dares to tell me that "he'll call me" one more time, I will so tell him off. I'll be such a bitch to him. He can't bullshit me, and expect me to take it, to believe it, still, can he?
He thinks I'm an idiot, as far as I can tell. Yay, another person to treat me like I'm stupid.
He's a hypocrite, too, calling so many people immature. Ooh, and he's not? God, what a little bastard. I hardly want to be friends with him, anymore.
Most of my friends suck. Wow. Life's just grand.
I really need to cry. I'll be back later. Maybe not this morning, but some time soon.
Love eternal, and blessed be,
- Vale
Showing posts with label 1999. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1999. Show all posts
Friday, June 18, 2010
Notes from 2010: January 22, 1999.
The fear of the dark thing is no exaggeration. I felt things like that pretty often, in my darker moments. I'm pretty sure there are entries further on that I recorded in the midst of, or immediately after, some of my really fucked up times, when I was at the limit of what I could take emotionally. They're still some of the scariest moments I've ever experienced. Being frightened of how horrible you're feeling, how much you hate yourself, and yet completely unable to turn those feelings off... it's a bad place to be.
And there I go wishing for a family of friends again. A group of people who I could really feel like I fit with, a place where I felt like I belonged. I never have found that again, since my junior high friends. Sometimes I wonder if it's something that no one much feels after they've grown up. And sometimes I'm pretty damn sure that it's unusual for me to not fit in anywhere--that most people have somewhere they feel like they fit in. Anyone out there have any feelings about that? I always wish I could ask other people--do you feel a sense of belonging anywhere? And if not, is that something you long for too?
And there I go wishing for a family of friends again. A group of people who I could really feel like I fit with, a place where I felt like I belonged. I never have found that again, since my junior high friends. Sometimes I wonder if it's something that no one much feels after they've grown up. And sometimes I'm pretty damn sure that it's unusual for me to not fit in anywhere--that most people have somewhere they feel like they fit in. Anyone out there have any feelings about that? I always wish I could ask other people--do you feel a sense of belonging anywhere? And if not, is that something you long for too?
Jan. 21, 1999.
A few more of my script writing/show-or-comic creating rules:
15) I will develop my characters immensely. I will not go from point A back to point A, Trek-like, for every episode or arc.
16) I will do spin-offs, most likely--if it seems to make sense. If I do, there will be cameos and crossovers.
17) I will do series which have nothing to do with one another. Why not go with more than one good, totally seperate, ideas at once? Or, one after another?
18) I will feel for and with my characters. I won't be insane about it, but I won't be stone, if I hurt one. I will feel their pain.
More later!
Jya, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
15) I will develop my characters immensely. I will not go from point A back to point A, Trek-like, for every episode or arc.
16) I will do spin-offs, most likely--if it seems to make sense. If I do, there will be cameos and crossovers.
17) I will do series which have nothing to do with one another. Why not go with more than one good, totally seperate, ideas at once? Or, one after another?
18) I will feel for and with my characters. I won't be insane about it, but I won't be stone, if I hurt one. I will feel their pain.
More later!
Jya, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 21, 1999.
The list-making continues. I still kind of really like number 18.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Jan. 19, 1999.
Now that exams are over, I'm going to do something that I'd wanted to do, but couldn't, a few days ago. I'm going to make some lists!
Not boring lists, though, don't worry--cool ones! ^_^
First:
Subjects I Will Never Take Again:
1. Physics!!! (ugh) *grins*
2. Math, after next year!
3. Chemistry
4. French, also after next year
See, I plan on saying "byebye, sciences, hellooo, arts!" when I go into undergrad.
Before I do the next one--well, actually, I'll incorporate this into the next one! It's nameless:
1) I will never not let myself be happy.
Hannah does that. She won't let herself be happy. I don't know if it's on purpose, but it's going to fuck her over tons of times, in her life. Hannah acts so proud of being down on the world, but it's so not good for you in the long run. I'm so totally glad I'm an optimist!
It's like she won't let herself feel happiness, or have fun. She says she didn't have fun with me, today--I figure, that's her problem. It's sad, but only she can fix this for herself, by letting herself have fun.
2) I will try to understand, but never assume that I do, unless I have been through the same thing.
3) I will subtly tell Izzy off, the next time he tries to bullshit me. If he says we're his "real, true friends", I'll laugh, and mock-jokingly say "yeah, right. You've got a wacky sense of humour, hon." Or something like that. Tell him that if we were his "true friends", he wouldn't constantly ditch us. If he says "I'll call you", I'll give him a slightly bitter smile and say "No. You won't."
There are others for this list--many, and I'll continue to add to it as I live, and grow, and change.
Oh, and one more:
4) If I ever get what I consider to be a real opportunity, I will go up to my Enigma Boy, and find out his name, and his age. I'll be scared shitless, but I'll ask him myself!
I've been looking for him everywhere, but I have yet to see him again. Any further sightings will surely be recorded, with subsequent drooling!
Now, another good one which I will add to as I go on in life:
Things I Will Do When I Have My Own T.V. Show(s) Or Comic Book Series:
1) I will not consider myself God. I won't do the Chris Carter thing people so complain about. I'll stay, to a good extent, humble and modest. I will not act almighty.
2) I will be very careful and particular with plot, scripts, themes, and their continuity. Unlike Joss, I can count.
3) I will not be afraid to risk major wrath, and kill main characters. People may hate me for it, but so be it. I'd rather have that, than just do the usual "let's-not-kill-anyone-important-off" thing. My way is more daring, and more interesting.
4) I will write & direct all the really important episodes of any TV series.
5) I will proof-read all scripts myself.
6) I will not go overboard with certain plot devices, character traits, characters, etc.
7) I will keep in mind that you can't please everyone all the time.
8) I will give my personal favourite characters, major or minor, lots of screen time.
9) I will still try to distribute screen time evenly amongst the characters.
10) I will join mailing lists & post on message boards, or whatever they'll have at the time, and see which characters the fans would like to see more of (like fan groups).
11) I will read and encourage fanfiction. I may even write some about my own and others' shows, if I have the time.
12) I will not take fan criticisms too personally, nor too much to heart, (see #7), but I will keep the reasonable ones in mind.
13) I will be open, personable (if, perhaps, still shy), and approachable to the fans.
14) I will never give up.
That's it for now! I'll add more as they come to mind!
Love ya, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Not boring lists, though, don't worry--cool ones! ^_^
First:
Subjects I Will Never Take Again:
1. Physics!!! (ugh) *grins*
2. Math, after next year!
3. Chemistry
4. French, also after next year
See, I plan on saying "byebye, sciences, hellooo, arts!" when I go into undergrad.
Before I do the next one--well, actually, I'll incorporate this into the next one! It's nameless:
1) I will never not let myself be happy.
Hannah does that. She won't let herself be happy. I don't know if it's on purpose, but it's going to fuck her over tons of times, in her life. Hannah acts so proud of being down on the world, but it's so not good for you in the long run. I'm so totally glad I'm an optimist!
It's like she won't let herself feel happiness, or have fun. She says she didn't have fun with me, today--I figure, that's her problem. It's sad, but only she can fix this for herself, by letting herself have fun.
2) I will try to understand, but never assume that I do, unless I have been through the same thing.
3) I will subtly tell Izzy off, the next time he tries to bullshit me. If he says we're his "real, true friends", I'll laugh, and mock-jokingly say "yeah, right. You've got a wacky sense of humour, hon." Or something like that. Tell him that if we were his "true friends", he wouldn't constantly ditch us. If he says "I'll call you", I'll give him a slightly bitter smile and say "No. You won't."
There are others for this list--many, and I'll continue to add to it as I live, and grow, and change.
Oh, and one more:
4) If I ever get what I consider to be a real opportunity, I will go up to my Enigma Boy, and find out his name, and his age. I'll be scared shitless, but I'll ask him myself!
I've been looking for him everywhere, but I have yet to see him again. Any further sightings will surely be recorded, with subsequent drooling!
Now, another good one which I will add to as I go on in life:
Things I Will Do When I Have My Own T.V. Show(s) Or Comic Book Series:
1) I will not consider myself God. I won't do the Chris Carter thing people so complain about. I'll stay, to a good extent, humble and modest. I will not act almighty.
2) I will be very careful and particular with plot, scripts, themes, and their continuity. Unlike Joss, I can count.
3) I will not be afraid to risk major wrath, and kill main characters. People may hate me for it, but so be it. I'd rather have that, than just do the usual "let's-not-kill-anyone-important-off" thing. My way is more daring, and more interesting.
4) I will write & direct all the really important episodes of any TV series.
5) I will proof-read all scripts myself.
6) I will not go overboard with certain plot devices, character traits, characters, etc.
7) I will keep in mind that you can't please everyone all the time.
8) I will give my personal favourite characters, major or minor, lots of screen time.
9) I will still try to distribute screen time evenly amongst the characters.
10) I will join mailing lists & post on message boards, or whatever they'll have at the time, and see which characters the fans would like to see more of (like fan groups).
11) I will read and encourage fanfiction. I may even write some about my own and others' shows, if I have the time.
12) I will not take fan criticisms too personally, nor too much to heart, (see #7), but I will keep the reasonable ones in mind.
13) I will be open, personable (if, perhaps, still shy), and approachable to the fans.
14) I will never give up.
That's it for now! I'll add more as they come to mind!
Love ya, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 19, 1999.
List 1:
Math was never my strongest subject. Physics, which I took in grade 11, was the bane of my existence. Chemistry I could more or less wrap my head around at the high school level. (More advanced, not necessarily, but I did fine in my grade 11 class.) But physics and my brain just never clicked. I passed, but barely, and I had to work my ass off to manage it.
As for list 2:
1) I haven't quite managed this one. Getting in my own way less is something I'm actually trying to work on right now. And as usual, I was wrong about Hannah, who seems better than me at letting herself be happy these days. I'm glad for her, and I'd like to make myself more like that. I can kind of remember the conversation I'd had with her that day, where we'd been out doing something, and she said to me at the end that she mostly didn't feel like she was enjoying her life, and didn't feel like she'd had fun that day. In retrospect, she was clearly trying to tell me that she was feeling depressed, but unfortunately I was too self-involved to see that at the time.
2) This directly contradicts all the assumptions I was making about Hannah in number 1. Nonetheless, I do think this is a good idea, and it is something I still try to live by.
3) I fantasized about telling Izzy off a lot, but I never actually had the opportunity to do it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing--if it would have been cathartic, or just starting shit I didn't need to start.
4) This never happened. There were at least one or two times that might have been, for someone else, "real opportunities," but I never had the balls to try to strike up a conversation with Enigma Boy, whoever he was.
For list 3, while I still want (and an trying) to be a writer, I've moved away from the idea of writing for TV or having a comic book series of my own, for various reasons. A lot of these could apply to a novel series or whatever too, though, so I don't write them off. (Except the directly TV-related ones, and, for legal reasons, reading fanfic for an ongoing series in number 11.)
The Joss comment is referencing the significant change in Spike's claimed age over the course of Buffy, which at least once dropped by several decades. I love Buffy, but it did have some have some continuity issues (though I understand better now how that can happen when a show changes course, e.g. with Spike becoming a much more important character than he was originally intended to be).
Notice how I just assumed I would have my own series someday, and that it would be popular and I would be known as the creator--that I'd be a Name in TVland and/or Comicsland. And honestly, if I work hard enough, I still believe that could happen with one or more of the novel series I have in mind. Like I've mentioned, I've always been pretty ambitious.
Math was never my strongest subject. Physics, which I took in grade 11, was the bane of my existence. Chemistry I could more or less wrap my head around at the high school level. (More advanced, not necessarily, but I did fine in my grade 11 class.) But physics and my brain just never clicked. I passed, but barely, and I had to work my ass off to manage it.
As for list 2:
1) I haven't quite managed this one. Getting in my own way less is something I'm actually trying to work on right now. And as usual, I was wrong about Hannah, who seems better than me at letting herself be happy these days. I'm glad for her, and I'd like to make myself more like that. I can kind of remember the conversation I'd had with her that day, where we'd been out doing something, and she said to me at the end that she mostly didn't feel like she was enjoying her life, and didn't feel like she'd had fun that day. In retrospect, she was clearly trying to tell me that she was feeling depressed, but unfortunately I was too self-involved to see that at the time.
2) This directly contradicts all the assumptions I was making about Hannah in number 1. Nonetheless, I do think this is a good idea, and it is something I still try to live by.
3) I fantasized about telling Izzy off a lot, but I never actually had the opportunity to do it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing--if it would have been cathartic, or just starting shit I didn't need to start.
4) This never happened. There were at least one or two times that might have been, for someone else, "real opportunities," but I never had the balls to try to strike up a conversation with Enigma Boy, whoever he was.
For list 3, while I still want (and an trying) to be a writer, I've moved away from the idea of writing for TV or having a comic book series of my own, for various reasons. A lot of these could apply to a novel series or whatever too, though, so I don't write them off. (Except the directly TV-related ones, and, for legal reasons, reading fanfic for an ongoing series in number 11.)
The Joss comment is referencing the significant change in Spike's claimed age over the course of Buffy, which at least once dropped by several decades. I love Buffy, but it did have some have some continuity issues (though I understand better now how that can happen when a show changes course, e.g. with Spike becoming a much more important character than he was originally intended to be).
Notice how I just assumed I would have my own series someday, and that it would be popular and I would be known as the creator--that I'd be a Name in TVland and/or Comicsland. And honestly, if I work hard enough, I still believe that could happen with one or more of the novel series I have in mind. Like I've mentioned, I've always been pretty ambitious.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Jan. 14, 1999.
Y'know, it's already the first set of exams--the first term.
I'm about seven-and-a-half months away from becoming a senior.
Wow.
I've been thinking a lot about future, the future, and the flow of time in general, lately.
Well, I guess that I always have spent more time than most people considering them, ever since I was old enough to try to comprehend, but, I've been doing it even more than usual, for the past few months.
I'm growing up. Faster than I ever imagined I would. It's wonderful, but more than a little scary. More than a lot scary, sometimes.
The whole exams thing, for some reason, seems very surreal, when I stop and think about it. I mean, my chemistry exam as not-exam-like while I was writing it! How's that for weird? *grins*
You know, in a few years--five, ten--I may not remember much about my current life. If I set aside this diary for a few years, once I was done with it, I could easily forget that a lot of this ever happened. And, when I did read the old entries again, I could either have it all come back to me, in a rush, or it could be like those fanfics I've started, where I can remember a little about it all (the story, I mean), when I read it, but, otherwise, I don't recall much plot, premise, nor what it was actually about.
In all honesty, I would like to forget a lot of this. I would have no problems forgetting that a lot of the things I've written about ever happened.
Jya-ne, Nikki-chan.
Wish me luck with it all.
- Vale
I'm about seven-and-a-half months away from becoming a senior.
Wow.
I've been thinking a lot about future, the future, and the flow of time in general, lately.
Well, I guess that I always have spent more time than most people considering them, ever since I was old enough to try to comprehend, but, I've been doing it even more than usual, for the past few months.
I'm growing up. Faster than I ever imagined I would. It's wonderful, but more than a little scary. More than a lot scary, sometimes.
The whole exams thing, for some reason, seems very surreal, when I stop and think about it. I mean, my chemistry exam as not-exam-like while I was writing it! How's that for weird? *grins*
You know, in a few years--five, ten--I may not remember much about my current life. If I set aside this diary for a few years, once I was done with it, I could easily forget that a lot of this ever happened. And, when I did read the old entries again, I could either have it all come back to me, in a rush, or it could be like those fanfics I've started, where I can remember a little about it all (the story, I mean), when I read it, but, otherwise, I don't recall much plot, premise, nor what it was actually about.
In all honesty, I would like to forget a lot of this. I would have no problems forgetting that a lot of the things I've written about ever happened.
Jya-ne, Nikki-chan.
Wish me luck with it all.
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 14, 1999.
So, ten years down the road--how much do I actually remember?
More than I thought I would. More than I hoped I would at the time, though I don't really wish I could forget anymore. All the shit I went through--the good, the bad, all of it--makes me who I am. And while I'm still very much a work in progress, I feel like where I am now is an okay starting point for where I'm trying to go. If I forgot the bad stuff... I think I'd lose a lot of the strength I've built up over the years. That would in no way be a good thing.
Reading these entries does sometimes trigger a memory I'd more or less forgotten about, and there are some things that are complete mysteries to me now--the odd name I can't associate any face or personality with anymore, some situation I referred to very obliquely that I can't fill in the blanks about. But for the most part, I remember it all pretty well. I can still remember what it was like to feel the things I felt back then. And yes, most of those feelings are only pale revenants of the real thing--but they are still there, locked away in my head. It's not like the half-written fanfics I mentioned, where I'd go back and read the two or three paragraphs I'd written, and not be able to remember where on earth I was planning to go with them. My past is still surprisingly vivid.
Wonder if it'll still be so clear in another ten years?
More than I thought I would. More than I hoped I would at the time, though I don't really wish I could forget anymore. All the shit I went through--the good, the bad, all of it--makes me who I am. And while I'm still very much a work in progress, I feel like where I am now is an okay starting point for where I'm trying to go. If I forgot the bad stuff... I think I'd lose a lot of the strength I've built up over the years. That would in no way be a good thing.
Reading these entries does sometimes trigger a memory I'd more or less forgotten about, and there are some things that are complete mysteries to me now--the odd name I can't associate any face or personality with anymore, some situation I referred to very obliquely that I can't fill in the blanks about. But for the most part, I remember it all pretty well. I can still remember what it was like to feel the things I felt back then. And yes, most of those feelings are only pale revenants of the real thing--but they are still there, locked away in my head. It's not like the half-written fanfics I mentioned, where I'd go back and read the two or three paragraphs I'd written, and not be able to remember where on earth I was planning to go with them. My past is still surprisingly vivid.
Wonder if it'll still be so clear in another ten years?
Friday, May 28, 2010
Jan. 11, 1999.
I no longer consider it unfair that Yvonne & Co. accept Hannah, bitch that she is, more than me, who's a nice person. I am not any longer bothered by their being more friendly with her than with me. Not even by their hardly being civil to me. I don't want to be friends with them. I don't envy them their friendships at all.
They're superficial, fake, unkind, and, worst of all, they're totally conforming. Do I want to be a part of that? No. I want people to accept & care about me for me, not who I pretend to be, or who they think I am.
Yvonne and James are not terribly unkind to me, but obviously they find my presence distasteful. I'm not like them. I can hear it in their voices that they wish I'd shove off, and leave them be. Whatever. They don't know me. Why should I care if they dislike whatever the hell they think I am?
And, when Yvonne started getting annoyed while I was messing with my bag, and thanking that girl: can we say bitch? God, she, Hannah, James--they deserve each other. I don't really like any of them.
Therefore, I don't give a flying fuck what they think of me! They don't count for anything. Not a smidge. They may as well be non people, for all their opinions matter to me, now!
Can you tell that I'm pleased with myself, and totally revelling in my newfound I-don't-give-a-shit-what-the-fuck-you-thinkness? *grins* I am sooo proud that I've gotten over that silly "why don't they like me??" stage!
They count for naught! Silly people, not worth any attention! Alyssa--now that's a person who's still nice. She treats me like a peer--like a person, not a student/punching bag, nor an idiot who knows shit. She obviously doesn't think I'm stupid, and I know that she's not. I've hung out with her a couple times, in the last week, or so--it's cool. I'd like to keep doing it, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I know better than that. I'm cautious, and a tiny bit hopeful, but that's it.
God, Hannah is so becoming less and less tolerable. She sticks her hand out in front of my face, as I'm walking through the halls. Can she not get past that stage?
I'm sor
No, I'm not sorry. I was going to say that, but I'm not. At all. I swear, though, I am so sick of the whole beating-each-other-up thing we used to do in, like grade nine. I'm past it. It's just totally not funny anymore. I grew up, and out of that, earlier this year, once and for all. Once in awhile, it's still fun, but she wants it to be the constant thing, and I don't, anymore.
I think she might be getting that idea, just the tiniest bit, finally. I would hardly give her a response, at lunch, when she tried to bring it up.
What is her childhood trauma?! Why can she not give the hell up one all of that?
If she wants to keep my friendship, she's going to have to grow up, and stop doing it all the time. Once in a long while it'll still be fun, but that's it.
Can she not mature? It's childish, not childlike, how she acts.
And she talks down to me?
What shit is that?
I so cannot put up with that for another year and a half. If it lasts too much longer, and I bet that it does, then I will have to speak to her about it. Failing that (I'll have to try a few times, before she'll listen, but I'm not going to totally do it all. I won't try to force it on her, nor will I expend a huge amount of effort, if she gives nothing in return), I will stop spending so much time with her. I'll let our friendship fade and die, but I will not regress to accomodate her childish ways. It's her turn to change, to make the effort. I won't force it on her, but it'll be her loss, too, if she won't give me anything back.
I can't and won't keep putting up with this. It's not fun, nor funny any longer, as I said before, and it's turning into a minor sort of abuse.
It's nothing I need, want, nor have to put up with.
And, know what? I won't. I'll stand my ground on this one. I won't take shit from her which I don't deserve. And that is, for the most part, none of it. Hellooo, assertive me! I need to get like this constantly!
I think I've started down a wonderful, and necessary, albeit potentially painful, road! Go me!
Wish me luck, Nikki-chan! I wish you the best in everything you do, too! ^_^
I can hear you cheering me on! "Goooo meeee!!!" *laughs*
Blessed be and love eternal, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
They're superficial, fake, unkind, and, worst of all, they're totally conforming. Do I want to be a part of that? No. I want people to accept & care about me for me, not who I pretend to be, or who they think I am.
Yvonne and James are not terribly unkind to me, but obviously they find my presence distasteful. I'm not like them. I can hear it in their voices that they wish I'd shove off, and leave them be. Whatever. They don't know me. Why should I care if they dislike whatever the hell they think I am?
And, when Yvonne started getting annoyed while I was messing with my bag, and thanking that girl: can we say bitch? God, she, Hannah, James--they deserve each other. I don't really like any of them.
Therefore, I don't give a flying fuck what they think of me! They don't count for anything. Not a smidge. They may as well be non people, for all their opinions matter to me, now!
Can you tell that I'm pleased with myself, and totally revelling in my newfound I-don't-give-a-shit-what-the-fuck-you-thinkness? *grins* I am sooo proud that I've gotten over that silly "why don't they like me??" stage!
They count for naught! Silly people, not worth any attention! Alyssa--now that's a person who's still nice. She treats me like a peer--like a person, not a student/punching bag, nor an idiot who knows shit. She obviously doesn't think I'm stupid, and I know that she's not. I've hung out with her a couple times, in the last week, or so--it's cool. I'd like to keep doing it, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I know better than that. I'm cautious, and a tiny bit hopeful, but that's it.
God, Hannah is so becoming less and less tolerable. She sticks her hand out in front of my face, as I'm walking through the halls. Can she not get past that stage?
No, I'm not sorry. I was going to say that, but I'm not. At all. I swear, though, I am so sick of the whole beating-each-other-up thing we used to do in, like grade nine. I'm past it. It's just totally not funny anymore. I grew up, and out of that, earlier this year, once and for all. Once in awhile, it's still fun, but she wants it to be the constant thing, and I don't, anymore.
I think she might be getting that idea, just the tiniest bit, finally. I would hardly give her a response, at lunch, when she tried to bring it up.
What is her childhood trauma?! Why can she not give the hell up one all of that?
If she wants to keep my friendship, she's going to have to grow up, and stop doing it all the time. Once in a long while it'll still be fun, but that's it.
Can she not mature? It's childish, not childlike, how she acts.
And she talks down to me?
What shit is that?
I so cannot put up with that for another year and a half. If it lasts too much longer, and I bet that it does, then I will have to speak to her about it. Failing that (I'll have to try a few times, before she'll listen, but I'm not going to totally do it all. I won't try to force it on her, nor will I expend a huge amount of effort, if she gives nothing in return), I will stop spending so much time with her. I'll let our friendship fade and die, but I will not regress to accomodate her childish ways. It's her turn to change, to make the effort. I won't force it on her, but it'll be her loss, too, if she won't give me anything back.
I can't and won't keep putting up with this. It's not fun, nor funny any longer, as I said before, and it's turning into a minor sort of abuse.
It's nothing I need, want, nor have to put up with.
And, know what? I won't. I'll stand my ground on this one. I won't take shit from her which I don't deserve. And that is, for the most part, none of it. Hellooo, assertive me! I need to get like this constantly!
I think I've started down a wonderful, and necessary, albeit potentially painful, road! Go me!
Wish me luck, Nikki-chan! I wish you the best in everything you do, too! ^_^
I can hear you cheering me on! "Goooo meeee!!!" *laughs*
Blessed be and love eternal, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 11, 1999.
Yvonne was someone Hannah and I had been fairly good friends with in late elementary school and junior high. She'd found, frankly, cooler friends than us by the end of junior high--for good reason, since nerdy was never really her bag--but by grade eleven her friends and my and Hannah's group would sometimes hang out together during lunch and free periods, since we all had some friends in common.
My jealousy of Hannah's easy ability to fit in with Yvonne's friends really shines through here, in all its ugly light. Sadly, I didn't recognize it as that at the time. Though even if I had, I don't know if I'd have had the inner strength to curb it.
Hannah could be a little immature, but I don't feel like she was ever abusive, to any degree. She was just struggling to grow up, just like I was, and clinging to physical jokes that we used to pull on each other longer than I was comfortable with. If anything, I'm pretty sure I was heinously passive-aggressive with her. I'm just thankful that I never did try to cut her out of my life, since I can't imagine not having her as a friend now.
From my current, more objective standpoint, I don't think Yvonne and her friends were especially uncivil to me. As I remember it now, they reacted like a lot of people do when faced with someone painfully shy: tried to draw me out, found it really difficult, and gave up pretty quickly. It sucks for the incredibly shy person, but from the other person's perspective, it's a completely understandable reaction. It can take a lot of work to bring a shy person out of their shell, and if they're not your friend and not someone you're interested in becoming friends with... why would you bother? But I was so, so sensitive about being ignored like that--also for very good reason, since I'd been criticized for being shy for as long as I could remember. (Sometimes I still am, though I can usually laugh it off now.) So in just about any social situation, I was working my ass off to be the outgoing, easy-to-be-with person I thought I was supposed to be. It hurt like hell when no one seemed to notice, especially since I knew that ultimately it was all because I was still doing something wrong.
As you'll see in this and numerous other entries, I would frequently rebel against that feeling that I needed to change for people to like me by declaring that I would never change for anyone. Instead, I would look for people liked me for what I was, and fuck everyone else. Then I would go back to school the next day and once again find myself trying like hell to be the outgoing person I wasn't. I was always trying to convince myself I didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me anymore, because I was sure if I could manage to really, honestly not care about that, I would be able to relax enough to just be myself and not worry about what to say, how to act, or any of that anymore. I was actually thinking along the right lines, but I had no idea how to get there. I never did manage it until I was in my early 20s (and--full disclosure--in therapy).
Finally: anyone who can spot the Buffy quote in this entry gets a cookie.*
*the cookie exists only in Vale's imagination. However, she assures you that if it were real, it would be very, very delicious.
My jealousy of Hannah's easy ability to fit in with Yvonne's friends really shines through here, in all its ugly light. Sadly, I didn't recognize it as that at the time. Though even if I had, I don't know if I'd have had the inner strength to curb it.
Hannah could be a little immature, but I don't feel like she was ever abusive, to any degree. She was just struggling to grow up, just like I was, and clinging to physical jokes that we used to pull on each other longer than I was comfortable with. If anything, I'm pretty sure I was heinously passive-aggressive with her. I'm just thankful that I never did try to cut her out of my life, since I can't imagine not having her as a friend now.
From my current, more objective standpoint, I don't think Yvonne and her friends were especially uncivil to me. As I remember it now, they reacted like a lot of people do when faced with someone painfully shy: tried to draw me out, found it really difficult, and gave up pretty quickly. It sucks for the incredibly shy person, but from the other person's perspective, it's a completely understandable reaction. It can take a lot of work to bring a shy person out of their shell, and if they're not your friend and not someone you're interested in becoming friends with... why would you bother? But I was so, so sensitive about being ignored like that--also for very good reason, since I'd been criticized for being shy for as long as I could remember. (Sometimes I still am, though I can usually laugh it off now.) So in just about any social situation, I was working my ass off to be the outgoing, easy-to-be-with person I thought I was supposed to be. It hurt like hell when no one seemed to notice, especially since I knew that ultimately it was all because I was still doing something wrong.
As you'll see in this and numerous other entries, I would frequently rebel against that feeling that I needed to change for people to like me by declaring that I would never change for anyone. Instead, I would look for people liked me for what I was, and fuck everyone else. Then I would go back to school the next day and once again find myself trying like hell to be the outgoing person I wasn't. I was always trying to convince myself I didn't give a shit what anyone thought of me anymore, because I was sure if I could manage to really, honestly not care about that, I would be able to relax enough to just be myself and not worry about what to say, how to act, or any of that anymore. I was actually thinking along the right lines, but I had no idea how to get there. I never did manage it until I was in my early 20s (and--full disclosure--in therapy).
Finally: anyone who can spot the Buffy quote in this entry gets a cookie.*
*the cookie exists only in Vale's imagination. However, she assures you that if it were real, it would be very, very delicious.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 2.
"Maybe I can find a place I can call my home
Maybe I can find a home I can call my own."
- Loreena McKennitt
Isn't that what we all want? What we all wish for?
A place to be home; a place to be yours. It's what I want. A place, a home, a life all my own.
I'm constantly thinking of past, present, and future. I'm a wonderfully contemplative person. No wonder I can write so very well.
I will, some day, find friends, and people to love me, who I can do the same for, in return. I hope that I will, someday, even find a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, to love with all my heart. It seems unlikely, just at this particular time in my life, but, as I said yesterday--a girl can dream, can't she?
I know that there's inherent trust, there--I am a dreamer. I am an idealist, and an optimist, and, in the long run, I know that I will be happier, and better off than most, for it.
Know what? I am. And I will be. And I will do and be my best. And, I will succeed. Not to show anyone up, not to prove myself to any but my own self. No, I will succeed only because it's what I want to do; what I want to happen.
What I want to be.
After all, I'll only live this life once.
Why not make the best of it?
I'll make it wonderful, because I want and need it to be. No bad ifs, ands, or buts about it. Only the good ones.
I will make it be so. And, so, it will be done.
So Mote It Be.
Blessed be, Nikki-chan.
- Vale
Maybe I can find a home I can call my own."
- Loreena McKennitt
Isn't that what we all want? What we all wish for?
A place to be home; a place to be yours. It's what I want. A place, a home, a life all my own.
I'm constantly thinking of past, present, and future. I'm a wonderfully contemplative person. No wonder I can write so very well.
I will, some day, find friends, and people to love me, who I can do the same for, in return. I hope that I will, someday, even find a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, to love with all my heart. It seems unlikely, just at this particular time in my life, but, as I said yesterday--a girl can dream, can't she?
I know that there's inherent trust, there--I am a dreamer. I am an idealist, and an optimist, and, in the long run, I know that I will be happier, and better off than most, for it.
Know what? I am. And I will be. And I will do and be my best. And, I will succeed. Not to show anyone up, not to prove myself to any but my own self. No, I will succeed only because it's what I want to do; what I want to happen.
What I want to be.
After all, I'll only live this life once.
Why not make the best of it?
I'll make it wonderful, because I want and need it to be. No bad ifs, ands, or buts about it. Only the good ones.
I will make it be so. And, so, it will be done.
So Mote It Be.
Blessed be, Nikki-chan.
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 2.
The lyrics are from "Dickens' Dublin" by Loreena McKennitt. It's a beautiful song. I still love it, for pretty much the same reasons I did back then. I'm still trying to find a place that really feels like home, and people I have that close connection with. I still hope that I might. I'm still fundamentally a dreamer and an idealist--though I'm not so sure about the optimist part.
I'm surprisingly positive about myself in this entry. It's nice to see.
You can also see my ambitious streak coming through here. I'm still hell-bent today on making something of myself in some way that feels meaningful, and I still have hope I might achieve that. It's always been about proving myself to myself. It still is. I've always wanted to do something that mattered in the world, and I'm still reaching for that goal with everything I do. I guess that's a big part of why I'm here tonight, updating this blog.
And if I try really, really hard, I just might be able to find a way to use "still" one more time in this commentary before I'm done with it. Hey, there we go! Mission accomplished.
I'm surprisingly positive about myself in this entry. It's nice to see.
You can also see my ambitious streak coming through here. I'm still hell-bent today on making something of myself in some way that feels meaningful, and I still have hope I might achieve that. It's always been about proving myself to myself. It still is. I've always wanted to do something that mattered in the world, and I'm still reaching for that goal with everything I do. I guess that's a big part of why I'm here tonight, updating this blog.
And if I try really, really hard, I just might be able to find a way to use "still" one more time in this commentary before I'm done with it. Hey, there we go! Mission accomplished.
Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 1.
Nihao, Nikki-chan.
I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.
I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.
Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?
Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.
Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.
Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.
Someday.
I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.
It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.
I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.
Love eternal,
- Vale
I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.
I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.
Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?
Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.
Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.
Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.
Someday.
I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.
It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.
I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.
Love eternal,
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 1.
The book series I reference at the beginning of this entry is the Covenant With the Vampire series by Jeanne Kalogridis, a trilogy that serves as backstory to Dracula. I'm not the superfan I was back then, but I'd still recommend her books to anyone who likes the original Dracula.
I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.
"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?
One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.
"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.
I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.
"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?
One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.
"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Jan. 8, 1999.
I'm confused.
I've been asking myself, lately, if you can have a crush on someone you've never actually met. Each time, I tell myself no.
I still keep asking.
I've passed by him twice on the street. Long, black leather duster-ish coat. Black jeans. Maybe a red shirt, the first time I saw him--I can't remember (how can I not remember?). Bleach blonde hair with brown roots. Longish hair--about the perfect length. Not the most beautiful face in the world--but, oh God, his smile, and the wonderful, enigmatic, almost dangerous look in his eyes... He's amazing. If his personality is half as incredible as his smile, I would give so much to get to know him.
I know that I know nothing about him, and that the only reason why I could really have a crush on him is because I've made things up about him in my head.
What I'd like is to get to know him, so that I can crush on him, or not, for real.
Others pale against him, right now. Except for Skylark, of course--I think I'd still prefere her to him, because I like her for what I know she is.
But, other than her... that cute guy, Adam, in my English class? Nothing. The cutie from the lunch room? Not a chance. That guy, Ethan, from last year's art class wouldn't even stand a chance now.
Y'see, my bleach blond boy is a bit of an enigma--his smile, the look in his eyes, how I don't even know his name. I'm good at guessing approximate ages, but I can't tell if he's 18 or 28! He's so cool looking.
He dresses so vampire--so Spike, to be exact! The long, leather or faux leather coat, the jeans, the hair... if it was intentional, well, even better!
Hmm.. Enigma Boy. I like it. He seemed to smile right at me when I passed him, and when I was across the street from him, and kept glancing. He did the same, I think, when I saw him the first time, too.
I wouldn't give up anything that would affect/effect me majorly in the future to get to know him, but less than that, I would.
I would love to at least learn his name, and his age. And if he is really into vamps, or if he just dresses like that for the hell of it and 'cause he likes the styles.
If he really is into vamps, and dresses vampire-ish intentionally, well, then he'd be even cooler than I already think he could be. If he had a bitchin' personality, that is, of course.
*laughs* Wishful thinking, much? I bet that nothing ever comes of all this. But, a girl can dream, can't she?
Love eternal,
- Vale
I've been asking myself, lately, if you can have a crush on someone you've never actually met. Each time, I tell myself no.
I still keep asking.
I've passed by him twice on the street. Long, black leather duster-ish coat. Black jeans. Maybe a red shirt, the first time I saw him--I can't remember (how can I not remember?). Bleach blonde hair with brown roots. Longish hair--about the perfect length. Not the most beautiful face in the world--but, oh God, his smile, and the wonderful, enigmatic, almost dangerous look in his eyes... He's amazing. If his personality is half as incredible as his smile, I would give so much to get to know him.
I know that I know nothing about him, and that the only reason why I could really have a crush on him is because I've made things up about him in my head.
What I'd like is to get to know him, so that I can crush on him, or not, for real.
Others pale against him, right now. Except for Skylark, of course--I think I'd still prefere her to him, because I like her for what I know she is.
But, other than her... that cute guy, Adam, in my English class? Nothing. The cutie from the lunch room? Not a chance. That guy, Ethan, from last year's art class wouldn't even stand a chance now.
Y'see, my bleach blond boy is a bit of an enigma--his smile, the look in his eyes, how I don't even know his name. I'm good at guessing approximate ages, but I can't tell if he's 18 or 28! He's so cool looking.
He dresses so vampire--so Spike, to be exact! The long, leather or faux leather coat, the jeans, the hair... if it was intentional, well, even better!
Hmm.. Enigma Boy. I like it. He seemed to smile right at me when I passed him, and when I was across the street from him, and kept glancing. He did the same, I think, when I saw him the first time, too.
I wouldn't give up anything that would affect/effect me majorly in the future to get to know him, but less than that, I would.
I would love to at least learn his name, and his age. And if he is really into vamps, or if he just dresses like that for the hell of it and 'cause he likes the styles.
If he really is into vamps, and dresses vampire-ish intentionally, well, then he'd be even cooler than I already think he could be. If he had a bitchin' personality, that is, of course.
*laughs* Wishful thinking, much? I bet that nothing ever comes of all this. But, a girl can dream, can't she?
Love eternal,
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 8, 1999.
My modern day answer to the question I pose in the first lines of this entry? Pfft, no. Don't be naïve.
The guy I talk about in this entry (and who will, sadly, continue to be mentioned in other entries for a while) was some dude who looked vaguely like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was the entire basis for the "crush": since I didn't know anything about the guy except what he looked like, I could pretend to myself that he was actually somewhat like Spike. (Spike and Faith were my big character crushes on Buffy. Yes, I've always liked the badasses. Still do.) I never knew his name, never spoke to him, never had any actual contact with him. It wasn't even really worthy of being called a crush, but I was lonely and painfully shy enough that it passed for that at the time. Hey, at least I was mostly honest with myself about there being no real basis for my feelings. I've always been pretty self-aware about shit like that.
Once again, I talk about the idea of giving something (but not too much) up for the opportunity to get to know him. I was all about bargaining with my Gods in those days. I still think that way sometimes, those less often now.
The guy I talk about in this entry (and who will, sadly, continue to be mentioned in other entries for a while) was some dude who looked vaguely like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was the entire basis for the "crush": since I didn't know anything about the guy except what he looked like, I could pretend to myself that he was actually somewhat like Spike. (Spike and Faith were my big character crushes on Buffy. Yes, I've always liked the badasses. Still do.) I never knew his name, never spoke to him, never had any actual contact with him. It wasn't even really worthy of being called a crush, but I was lonely and painfully shy enough that it passed for that at the time. Hey, at least I was mostly honest with myself about there being no real basis for my feelings. I've always been pretty self-aware about shit like that.
Once again, I talk about the idea of giving something (but not too much) up for the opportunity to get to know him. I was all about bargaining with my Gods in those days. I still think that way sometimes, those less often now.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Jan. 6, 1999. (ED trigger warning)
Just a quick note, Nikki-chan. To quote from Go Ask Alice: "I'm going to start a diet this very day... Not one more bite of chocolate or nary a french fried potato will pass my lips till I've lost (my number inserted) 20 globby pounds of lumpy lard."
I gained back two or three pounds, so I'm going to not eat a single snack until I've at least gone back to 154, or so! How could I possible have gained so much weight?! I haven't been exercising less (I'm going to start doing that every day as soon as exams end), nor eating more, except for a little lapse today. How can I be getting fat again?! I'll lose at least 18 pounds, though, and get down to my ideal weight of 140 pounds! That would be wonderful! And, I'll stick to my "one sweet thing per day" rule religiously from now on! Once I allow myself to snack again, that is--none at all, until I'm back to what I should be for now: 154!!
I don't like how I look, now--I can see the excess fat on my body. I know that I still weigh less than I did before the 20-whateverth of December, but that's so not the point! Just being less than 160 isn't good enough. I need to be thin!!! Or muscular--both, preferably! Gym membership, here I come!
Now, though, I have to get back to studying for exams.
Wish me luck, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
I gained back two or three pounds, so I'm going to not eat a single snack until I've at least gone back to 154, or so! How could I possible have gained so much weight?! I haven't been exercising less (I'm going to start doing that every day as soon as exams end), nor eating more, except for a little lapse today. How can I be getting fat again?! I'll lose at least 18 pounds, though, and get down to my ideal weight of 140 pounds! That would be wonderful! And, I'll stick to my "one sweet thing per day" rule religiously from now on! Once I allow myself to snack again, that is--none at all, until I'm back to what I should be for now: 154!!
I don't like how I look, now--I can see the excess fat on my body. I know that I still weigh less than I did before the 20-whateverth of December, but that's so not the point! Just being less than 160 isn't good enough. I need to be thin!!! Or muscular--both, preferably! Gym membership, here I come!
Now, though, I have to get back to studying for exams.
Wish me luck, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 6, 1999.
I mention Go Ask Alice again in this entry. Despite being a complete teetotaler (lame as hell word for it, but I've never felt like it would be quite truthful to call myself straight edge, so there it is), I identified deeply with some of the shit Alice goes through as an addict: how lost she is for most of the book, and how her diary is sometimes her only friend and all that keeps her sane. I know now that the book has been heavily edited and fictionalized to drive home the "drugs are evil & wrong" message, but despite having to take it all with a grain of salt, it's still a book that means a lot to me because it was so close to my heart back then. I still have a copy of it around somewhere, and it'll probably always have a home on my bookshelf.
ED trigger alert: The dieting stuff. I've had body image issues pretty much since puberty, and I definitely ate to comfort myself as a teenager, though I didn't think of it that way at the time. I always felt fat and unattractive, and had no confidence whatsoever in my looks. I was constantly making resolutions to diet and exercise more, following them for a short time, then giving up. I did tend to lose weight during musical, since rehearsals kept me busy and I probably didn't have as much time to sit around and eat, but I gained it all back as soon as the musical ended. I was also a late bloomer with fashion and makeup, so I was just starting to get into that in tenth and eleventh grades. Sadly, my body image bullshit hasn't changed significantly in the past decade, and has been compounded by an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--i.e. doesn't quite fit into any of the official eating disorder categories--for those of you lucky enough not to know the lingo) that I'm somewhat recovered from. Logically, I'm aware that I'm in much better shape now than I was as a teenager. But I still feel fat and ugly most of the time.
ED trigger alert: The dieting stuff. I've had body image issues pretty much since puberty, and I definitely ate to comfort myself as a teenager, though I didn't think of it that way at the time. I always felt fat and unattractive, and had no confidence whatsoever in my looks. I was constantly making resolutions to diet and exercise more, following them for a short time, then giving up. I did tend to lose weight during musical, since rehearsals kept me busy and I probably didn't have as much time to sit around and eat, but I gained it all back as soon as the musical ended. I was also a late bloomer with fashion and makeup, so I was just starting to get into that in tenth and eleventh grades. Sadly, my body image bullshit hasn't changed significantly in the past decade, and has been compounded by an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--i.e. doesn't quite fit into any of the official eating disorder categories--for those of you lucky enough not to know the lingo) that I'm somewhat recovered from. Logically, I'm aware that I'm in much better shape now than I was as a teenager. But I still feel fat and ugly most of the time.
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