Now that exams are over, I'm going to do something that I'd wanted to do, but couldn't, a few days ago. I'm going to make some lists!
Not boring lists, though, don't worry--cool ones! ^_^
First:
Subjects I Will Never Take Again:
1. Physics!!! (ugh) *grins*
2. Math, after next year!
3. Chemistry
4. French, also after next year
See, I plan on saying "byebye, sciences, hellooo, arts!" when I go into undergrad.
Before I do the next one--well, actually, I'll incorporate this into the next one! It's nameless:
1) I will never not let myself be happy.
Hannah does that. She won't let herself be happy. I don't know if it's on purpose, but it's going to fuck her over tons of times, in her life. Hannah acts so proud of being down on the world, but it's so not good for you in the long run. I'm so totally glad I'm an optimist!
It's like she won't let herself feel happiness, or have fun. She says she didn't have fun with me, today--I figure, that's her problem. It's sad, but only she can fix this for herself, by letting herself have fun.
2) I will try to understand, but never assume that I do, unless I have been through the same thing.
3) I will subtly tell Izzy off, the next time he tries to bullshit me. If he says we're his "real, true friends", I'll laugh, and mock-jokingly say "yeah, right. You've got a wacky sense of humour, hon." Or something like that. Tell him that if we were his "true friends", he wouldn't constantly ditch us. If he says "I'll call you", I'll give him a slightly bitter smile and say "No. You won't."
There are others for this list--many, and I'll continue to add to it as I live, and grow, and change.
Oh, and one more:
4) If I ever get what I consider to be a real opportunity, I will go up to my Enigma Boy, and find out his name, and his age. I'll be scared shitless, but I'll ask him myself!
I've been looking for him everywhere, but I have yet to see him again. Any further sightings will surely be recorded, with subsequent drooling!
Now, another good one which I will add to as I go on in life:
Things I Will Do When I Have My Own T.V. Show(s) Or Comic Book Series:
1) I will not consider myself God. I won't do the Chris Carter thing people so complain about. I'll stay, to a good extent, humble and modest. I will not act almighty.
2) I will be very careful and particular with plot, scripts, themes, and their continuity. Unlike Joss, I can count.
3) I will not be afraid to risk major wrath, and kill main characters. People may hate me for it, but so be it. I'd rather have that, than just do the usual "let's-not-kill-anyone-important-off" thing. My way is more daring, and more interesting.
4) I will write & direct all the really important episodes of any TV series.
5) I will proof-read all scripts myself.
6) I will not go overboard with certain plot devices, character traits, characters, etc.
7) I will keep in mind that you can't please everyone all the time.
8) I will give my personal favourite characters, major or minor, lots of screen time.
9) I will still try to distribute screen time evenly amongst the characters.
10) I will join mailing lists & post on message boards, or whatever they'll have at the time, and see which characters the fans would like to see more of (like fan groups).
11) I will read and encourage fanfiction. I may even write some about my own and others' shows, if I have the time.
12) I will not take fan criticisms too personally, nor too much to heart, (see #7), but I will keep the reasonable ones in mind.
13) I will be open, personable (if, perhaps, still shy), and approachable to the fans.
14) I will never give up.
That's it for now! I'll add more as they come to mind!
Love ya, Nikki-chan!
- Vale
Showing posts with label Enigma Boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Enigma Boy. Show all posts
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Notes from 2010: January 19, 1999.
List 1:
Math was never my strongest subject. Physics, which I took in grade 11, was the bane of my existence. Chemistry I could more or less wrap my head around at the high school level. (More advanced, not necessarily, but I did fine in my grade 11 class.) But physics and my brain just never clicked. I passed, but barely, and I had to work my ass off to manage it.
As for list 2:
1) I haven't quite managed this one. Getting in my own way less is something I'm actually trying to work on right now. And as usual, I was wrong about Hannah, who seems better than me at letting herself be happy these days. I'm glad for her, and I'd like to make myself more like that. I can kind of remember the conversation I'd had with her that day, where we'd been out doing something, and she said to me at the end that she mostly didn't feel like she was enjoying her life, and didn't feel like she'd had fun that day. In retrospect, she was clearly trying to tell me that she was feeling depressed, but unfortunately I was too self-involved to see that at the time.
2) This directly contradicts all the assumptions I was making about Hannah in number 1. Nonetheless, I do think this is a good idea, and it is something I still try to live by.
3) I fantasized about telling Izzy off a lot, but I never actually had the opportunity to do it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing--if it would have been cathartic, or just starting shit I didn't need to start.
4) This never happened. There were at least one or two times that might have been, for someone else, "real opportunities," but I never had the balls to try to strike up a conversation with Enigma Boy, whoever he was.
For list 3, while I still want (and an trying) to be a writer, I've moved away from the idea of writing for TV or having a comic book series of my own, for various reasons. A lot of these could apply to a novel series or whatever too, though, so I don't write them off. (Except the directly TV-related ones, and, for legal reasons, reading fanfic for an ongoing series in number 11.)
The Joss comment is referencing the significant change in Spike's claimed age over the course of Buffy, which at least once dropped by several decades. I love Buffy, but it did have some have some continuity issues (though I understand better now how that can happen when a show changes course, e.g. with Spike becoming a much more important character than he was originally intended to be).
Notice how I just assumed I would have my own series someday, and that it would be popular and I would be known as the creator--that I'd be a Name in TVland and/or Comicsland. And honestly, if I work hard enough, I still believe that could happen with one or more of the novel series I have in mind. Like I've mentioned, I've always been pretty ambitious.
Math was never my strongest subject. Physics, which I took in grade 11, was the bane of my existence. Chemistry I could more or less wrap my head around at the high school level. (More advanced, not necessarily, but I did fine in my grade 11 class.) But physics and my brain just never clicked. I passed, but barely, and I had to work my ass off to manage it.
As for list 2:
1) I haven't quite managed this one. Getting in my own way less is something I'm actually trying to work on right now. And as usual, I was wrong about Hannah, who seems better than me at letting herself be happy these days. I'm glad for her, and I'd like to make myself more like that. I can kind of remember the conversation I'd had with her that day, where we'd been out doing something, and she said to me at the end that she mostly didn't feel like she was enjoying her life, and didn't feel like she'd had fun that day. In retrospect, she was clearly trying to tell me that she was feeling depressed, but unfortunately I was too self-involved to see that at the time.
2) This directly contradicts all the assumptions I was making about Hannah in number 1. Nonetheless, I do think this is a good idea, and it is something I still try to live by.
3) I fantasized about telling Izzy off a lot, but I never actually had the opportunity to do it. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing--if it would have been cathartic, or just starting shit I didn't need to start.
4) This never happened. There were at least one or two times that might have been, for someone else, "real opportunities," but I never had the balls to try to strike up a conversation with Enigma Boy, whoever he was.
For list 3, while I still want (and an trying) to be a writer, I've moved away from the idea of writing for TV or having a comic book series of my own, for various reasons. A lot of these could apply to a novel series or whatever too, though, so I don't write them off. (Except the directly TV-related ones, and, for legal reasons, reading fanfic for an ongoing series in number 11.)
The Joss comment is referencing the significant change in Spike's claimed age over the course of Buffy, which at least once dropped by several decades. I love Buffy, but it did have some have some continuity issues (though I understand better now how that can happen when a show changes course, e.g. with Spike becoming a much more important character than he was originally intended to be).
Notice how I just assumed I would have my own series someday, and that it would be popular and I would be known as the creator--that I'd be a Name in TVland and/or Comicsland. And honestly, if I work hard enough, I still believe that could happen with one or more of the novel series I have in mind. Like I've mentioned, I've always been pretty ambitious.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 1.
Nihao, Nikki-chan.
I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.
I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.
Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?
Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.
Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.
Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.
Someday.
I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.
It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.
I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.
Love eternal,
- Vale
I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.
I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.
Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?
Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.
Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.
Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.
Someday.
I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.
It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.
I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.
Love eternal,
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 1.
The book series I reference at the beginning of this entry is the Covenant With the Vampire series by Jeanne Kalogridis, a trilogy that serves as backstory to Dracula. I'm not the superfan I was back then, but I'd still recommend her books to anyone who likes the original Dracula.
I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.
"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?
One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.
"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.
I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.
"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?
One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.
"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Jan. 8, 1999.
I'm confused.
I've been asking myself, lately, if you can have a crush on someone you've never actually met. Each time, I tell myself no.
I still keep asking.
I've passed by him twice on the street. Long, black leather duster-ish coat. Black jeans. Maybe a red shirt, the first time I saw him--I can't remember (how can I not remember?). Bleach blonde hair with brown roots. Longish hair--about the perfect length. Not the most beautiful face in the world--but, oh God, his smile, and the wonderful, enigmatic, almost dangerous look in his eyes... He's amazing. If his personality is half as incredible as his smile, I would give so much to get to know him.
I know that I know nothing about him, and that the only reason why I could really have a crush on him is because I've made things up about him in my head.
What I'd like is to get to know him, so that I can crush on him, or not, for real.
Others pale against him, right now. Except for Skylark, of course--I think I'd still prefere her to him, because I like her for what I know she is.
But, other than her... that cute guy, Adam, in my English class? Nothing. The cutie from the lunch room? Not a chance. That guy, Ethan, from last year's art class wouldn't even stand a chance now.
Y'see, my bleach blond boy is a bit of an enigma--his smile, the look in his eyes, how I don't even know his name. I'm good at guessing approximate ages, but I can't tell if he's 18 or 28! He's so cool looking.
He dresses so vampire--so Spike, to be exact! The long, leather or faux leather coat, the jeans, the hair... if it was intentional, well, even better!
Hmm.. Enigma Boy. I like it. He seemed to smile right at me when I passed him, and when I was across the street from him, and kept glancing. He did the same, I think, when I saw him the first time, too.
I wouldn't give up anything that would affect/effect me majorly in the future to get to know him, but less than that, I would.
I would love to at least learn his name, and his age. And if he is really into vamps, or if he just dresses like that for the hell of it and 'cause he likes the styles.
If he really is into vamps, and dresses vampire-ish intentionally, well, then he'd be even cooler than I already think he could be. If he had a bitchin' personality, that is, of course.
*laughs* Wishful thinking, much? I bet that nothing ever comes of all this. But, a girl can dream, can't she?
Love eternal,
- Vale
I've been asking myself, lately, if you can have a crush on someone you've never actually met. Each time, I tell myself no.
I still keep asking.
I've passed by him twice on the street. Long, black leather duster-ish coat. Black jeans. Maybe a red shirt, the first time I saw him--I can't remember (how can I not remember?). Bleach blonde hair with brown roots. Longish hair--about the perfect length. Not the most beautiful face in the world--but, oh God, his smile, and the wonderful, enigmatic, almost dangerous look in his eyes... He's amazing. If his personality is half as incredible as his smile, I would give so much to get to know him.
I know that I know nothing about him, and that the only reason why I could really have a crush on him is because I've made things up about him in my head.
What I'd like is to get to know him, so that I can crush on him, or not, for real.
Others pale against him, right now. Except for Skylark, of course--I think I'd still prefere her to him, because I like her for what I know she is.
But, other than her... that cute guy, Adam, in my English class? Nothing. The cutie from the lunch room? Not a chance. That guy, Ethan, from last year's art class wouldn't even stand a chance now.
Y'see, my bleach blond boy is a bit of an enigma--his smile, the look in his eyes, how I don't even know his name. I'm good at guessing approximate ages, but I can't tell if he's 18 or 28! He's so cool looking.
He dresses so vampire--so Spike, to be exact! The long, leather or faux leather coat, the jeans, the hair... if it was intentional, well, even better!
Hmm.. Enigma Boy. I like it. He seemed to smile right at me when I passed him, and when I was across the street from him, and kept glancing. He did the same, I think, when I saw him the first time, too.
I wouldn't give up anything that would affect/effect me majorly in the future to get to know him, but less than that, I would.
I would love to at least learn his name, and his age. And if he is really into vamps, or if he just dresses like that for the hell of it and 'cause he likes the styles.
If he really is into vamps, and dresses vampire-ish intentionally, well, then he'd be even cooler than I already think he could be. If he had a bitchin' personality, that is, of course.
*laughs* Wishful thinking, much? I bet that nothing ever comes of all this. But, a girl can dream, can't she?
Love eternal,
- Vale
Notes from 2010: January 8, 1999.
My modern day answer to the question I pose in the first lines of this entry? Pfft, no. Don't be naïve.
The guy I talk about in this entry (and who will, sadly, continue to be mentioned in other entries for a while) was some dude who looked vaguely like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was the entire basis for the "crush": since I didn't know anything about the guy except what he looked like, I could pretend to myself that he was actually somewhat like Spike. (Spike and Faith were my big character crushes on Buffy. Yes, I've always liked the badasses. Still do.) I never knew his name, never spoke to him, never had any actual contact with him. It wasn't even really worthy of being called a crush, but I was lonely and painfully shy enough that it passed for that at the time. Hey, at least I was mostly honest with myself about there being no real basis for my feelings. I've always been pretty self-aware about shit like that.
Once again, I talk about the idea of giving something (but not too much) up for the opportunity to get to know him. I was all about bargaining with my Gods in those days. I still think that way sometimes, those less often now.
The guy I talk about in this entry (and who will, sadly, continue to be mentioned in other entries for a while) was some dude who looked vaguely like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That was the entire basis for the "crush": since I didn't know anything about the guy except what he looked like, I could pretend to myself that he was actually somewhat like Spike. (Spike and Faith were my big character crushes on Buffy. Yes, I've always liked the badasses. Still do.) I never knew his name, never spoke to him, never had any actual contact with him. It wasn't even really worthy of being called a crush, but I was lonely and painfully shy enough that it passed for that at the time. Hey, at least I was mostly honest with myself about there being no real basis for my feelings. I've always been pretty self-aware about shit like that.
Once again, I talk about the idea of giving something (but not too much) up for the opportunity to get to know him. I was all about bargaining with my Gods in those days. I still think that way sometimes, those less often now.
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