Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 2.

"Maybe I can find a place I can call my home
Maybe I can find a home I can call my own."
- Loreena McKennitt

Isn't that what we all want? What we all wish for?

A place to be home; a place to be yours. It's what I want. A place, a home, a life all my own.

I'm constantly thinking of past, present, and future. I'm a wonderfully contemplative person. No wonder I can write so very well.

I will, some day, find friends, and people to love me, who I can do the same for, in return. I hope that I will, someday, even find a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, to love with all my heart. It seems unlikely, just at this particular time in my life, but, as I said yesterday--a girl can dream, can't she?

I know that there's inherent trust, there--I am a dreamer. I am an idealist, and an optimist, and, in the long run, I know that I will be happier, and better off than most, for it.

Know what? I am. And I will be. And I will do and be my best. And, I will succeed. Not to show anyone up, not to prove myself to any but my own self. No, I will succeed only because it's what I want to do; what I want to happen.

What I want to be.

After all, I'll only live this life once.

Why not make the best of it?

I'll make it wonderful, because I want and need it to be. No bad ifs, ands, or buts about it. Only the good ones.

I will make it be so. And, so, it will be done.

So Mote It Be.

Blessed be, Nikki-chan.

- Vale

Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 2.

The lyrics are from "Dickens' Dublin" by Loreena McKennitt. It's a beautiful song. I still love it, for pretty much the same reasons I did back then. I'm still trying to find a place that really feels like home, and people I have that close connection with. I still hope that I might. I'm still fundamentally a dreamer and an idealist--though I'm not so sure about the optimist part.

I'm surprisingly positive about myself in this entry. It's nice to see.

You can also see my ambitious streak coming through here. I'm still hell-bent today on making something of myself in some way that feels meaningful, and I still have hope I might achieve that. It's always been about proving myself to myself. It still is. I've always wanted to do something that mattered in the world, and I'm still reaching for that goal with everything I do. I guess that's a big part of why I'm here tonight, updating this blog.

And if I try really, really hard, I just might be able to find a way to use "still" one more time in this commentary before I'm done with it. Hey, there we go! Mission accomplished.

Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 1.

Nihao, Nikki-chan.

I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.

I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.

Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?

Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.

Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.

Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.

Someday.

I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.

It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.

I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.

Love eternal,

- Vale

Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 1.

The book series I reference at the beginning of this entry is the Covenant With the Vampire series by Jeanne Kalogridis, a trilogy that serves as backstory to Dracula. I'm not the superfan I was back then, but I'd still recommend her books to anyone who likes the original Dracula.

I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.

"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?

One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.

"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.

Dec. 26, 1998.

There are times when I can't believe how huge my ego is! See, today, when I went on one of the chats, Brodie was on, and we were doing the whole joking-flirting thing that a lot of people there do with their friends, and I just started thinking "what if Brodie really does have feelings for me?"

I know, I know, really egotistical! I can't believe how swelled my ego must be, to think things like that! *rolls eyes, grins* So, anyway, I called him the "third big brother I never had", and hoped that that would make things clear, just in case, although my rational mind knows that it's totally needless! He so isn't crushing on me, or anything so silly as that, and I know it, even if I do worry a little that he might be, 'cause that'd just be ew!

Let me just give the reasons why this would never work, so that I can deflate my own over-sized ego a bit!

First of all I'm way too young for him! He's 20 or 21, and I'm 16. I won't go out with anyone over 19, IRL, although in c-space, my standards would be different. But, that's just too much of an age difference! Second, he's my bud, and I'm his! Why would either of us ever want to ruin that? Sure, I used to have a mini-crush on him, but that was so long ago as to be of no consequence, whatsoever! Nuh-uh, no way, nope! Not a chance! What else... well, most importantly, there's the fact that people, male and female both, don't think about me like that! Not as romantic relationship material, I mean. Both IRL, and in c-space, I'm a just-friends, one-of-the-guys-with-a-twist sort of girl! Guys (i.e,. Brodie) aren't interested in me, with the single exception of my ex-c-guy, and girls aren't interested in me, either (i.e., Skylark).

Hopefully, others will begin to show interest, as I get older, or even sooner, although I highly doubt that the latter will happen. I would like to have a boyfriend, eventually! Or a girlfriend, if I found someone nice--like Skylark, ne?

I still hold out hope. I may actually outright ask her, once I learn her age, if she's not many years older than me! We'll see. I may chicken out at the last moment--I guess I'll find out eventually! Anyway, any ideas about people crushing on me are so obviously all in my head, and it's actually sort of funny that I think they might think of me like that! *grins, chuckles*

So long! *love and kisses, Nikki-chan!*

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 26, 1998.

Clearly the idea of an older guy I respected possibly having a thing for me seemed all "ooh, exciting!" at the time. I am absolutely confident that Brodie had no interest in me. I'm pretty sure he had a serious girlfriend. But it was a minor confidence boost to imagine that someone could maybe find me attractive.

As embarrassing as this entry is, at least it's an up moment mixed in with the down ones. Hence including it (and others like it), despite being tangential to the main theme of this blog. I don't want this to be all depression, all the time. There were other sides to my life too, and it would feel dishonest to exclude those entries. I want this to be as full a picture as possible of who I was as I can manage, while keeping this anonymous.

The "ex-c-guy" I mention was some dude I "cyber dated" for a month or two, primarily because all my friends were into that and I didn't want to be left out. Not a relationship I put much stock in, even while I was involved in it. Thankfully, I don't think he particularly did either.

Nov. 30, 1998.

"Hide not your Talents; they for Use were made. What's a Sundial in the Shade?" - Benjamin Franklin

We are all losers to someone else.

We are all heroes to someone else.

We are all idols to someone else.

We are all beautiful to someone else.

Keep this in mind.

You are wonderful.

- Vale

Notes from 2010: November 30, 1998.

I had my positive moments. I still like this entry, and the quote that starts it off.