Jan. 22, 1999.

You know, I think I'm going to give up on making jokes, because no one ever seems to like them. Or get them. Colin, Mom, Hannah, Dani, Izzy, Teddy, Dad... no one. Not that any of them really care about anything I do, at all.

I'm hurting again, can you tell? I'm in pain, once more. Not that there isn't always a little hurt in the corner of my soul.

I want to scream. I wish no one was home, so I could.

I think I'm going to cry, and I have no idea why I should feel like doing that. I can't help it. I've been so stressed lately, and now it's all coming back to me again.

D'you know, the nights before my math exam, almost a week ago, I was wigging so bad that I was actually afraid of the dark? Can you imagine? Me, who's loved the dark for years, reverting back to my feelings about it as a small child. I was so messed up, because I was so freaked I would fail.

I feel sick, like I'm going to throw up, but I never do, when I feel like this.

I want to just curl up and sob. Find a safe place to hide in, where someone who will be able to love, really love me, who I could love, can find me. A place where only people like that could find me, where I could cry out the pain and the hurt, and they would actually comfort, and care. Then, when my last drop of pain had fallen from my eyes, I would go off with them, to a place where we could all be together, and be happy.

I'm lonely again--no, make that still--too.

I want to tell Izzy off so bad. I can't express how much he annoys me, when I see him, now. He really gets on my nerves badly.

If he dares to tell me that "he'll call me" one more time, I will so tell him off. I'll be such a bitch to him. He can't bullshit me, and expect me to take it, to believe it, still, can he?

He thinks I'm an idiot, as far as I can tell. Yay, another person to treat me like I'm stupid.

He's a hypocrite, too, calling so many people immature. Ooh, and he's not? God, what a little bastard. I hardly want to be friends with him, anymore.

Most of my friends suck. Wow. Life's just grand.

I really need to cry. I'll be back later. Maybe not this morning, but some time soon.

Love eternal, and blessed be,

- Vale

Jan. 14, 1999.

Y'know, it's already the first set of exams--the first term.

I'm about seven-and-a-half months away from becoming a senior.

Wow.

I've been thinking a lot about future, the future, and the flow of time in general, lately.

Well, I guess that I always have spent more time than most people considering them, ever since I was old enough to try to comprehend, but, I've been doing it even more than usual, for the past few months.

I'm growing up. Faster than I ever imagined I would. It's wonderful, but more than a little scary. More than a lot scary, sometimes.

The whole exams thing, for some reason, seems very surreal, when I stop and think about it. I mean, my chemistry exam as not-exam-like while I was writing it! How's that for weird? *grins*

You know, in a few years--five, ten--I may not remember much about my current life. If I set aside this diary for a few years, once I was done with it, I could easily forget that a lot of this ever happened. And, when I did read the old entries again, I could either have it all come back to me, in a rush, or it could be like those fanfics I've started, where I can remember a little about it all (the story, I mean), when I read it, but, otherwise, I don't recall much plot, premise, nor what it was actually about.

In all honesty, I would like to forget a lot of this. I would have no problems forgetting that a lot of the things I've written about ever happened.

Jya-ne, Nikki-chan.

Wish me luck with it all.

- Vale

Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 2.

"Maybe I can find a place I can call my home
Maybe I can find a home I can call my own."
- Loreena McKennitt

Isn't that what we all want? What we all wish for?

A place to be home; a place to be yours. It's what I want. A place, a home, a life all my own.

I'm constantly thinking of past, present, and future. I'm a wonderfully contemplative person. No wonder I can write so very well.

I will, some day, find friends, and people to love me, who I can do the same for, in return. I hope that I will, someday, even find a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, to love with all my heart. It seems unlikely, just at this particular time in my life, but, as I said yesterday--a girl can dream, can't she?

I know that there's inherent trust, there--I am a dreamer. I am an idealist, and an optimist, and, in the long run, I know that I will be happier, and better off than most, for it.

Know what? I am. And I will be. And I will do and be my best. And, I will succeed. Not to show anyone up, not to prove myself to any but my own self. No, I will succeed only because it's what I want to do; what I want to happen.

What I want to be.

After all, I'll only live this life once.

Why not make the best of it?

I'll make it wonderful, because I want and need it to be. No bad ifs, ands, or buts about it. Only the good ones.

I will make it be so. And, so, it will be done.

So Mote It Be.

Blessed be, Nikki-chan.

- Vale

Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 2.

The lyrics are from "Dickens' Dublin" by Loreena McKennitt. It's a beautiful song. I still love it, for pretty much the same reasons I did back then. I'm still trying to find a place that really feels like home, and people I have that close connection with. I still hope that I might. I'm still fundamentally a dreamer and an idealist--though I'm not so sure about the optimist part.

I'm surprisingly positive about myself in this entry. It's nice to see.

You can also see my ambitious streak coming through here. I'm still hell-bent today on making something of myself in some way that feels meaningful, and I still have hope I might achieve that. It's always been about proving myself to myself. It still is. I've always wanted to do something that mattered in the world, and I'm still reaching for that goal with everything I do. I guess that's a big part of why I'm here tonight, updating this blog.

And if I try really, really hard, I just might be able to find a way to use "still" one more time in this commentary before I'm done with it. Hey, there we go! Mission accomplished.

Jan. 9, 1999: Entry 1.

Nihao, Nikki-chan.

I should be studying, so this'll probably be short.

I've got nothing in particular to say--just needed to write. I just finished Lord of the Vampires. **Incredible** book! That series is my favourite that I've ever read. It's wonderful!!! I'm glad beyond words that it wasn't just a sad ending for everyone. I'm glad (more than glad, ecstatic) for them all who lived happily ever after, in the end. I will miss them, but I will read the books over, and over, and over, so we will not be parted for long.

Why does it frighten me, to think about the guy I was telling you about yesterday? It half terrifies me to contemplate him, now. Is it because I'm afraid of making a fool of myself, or rejection? Or is it because I'm afraid of actually someday loving someone intensely? Or is it something about him himself, which causes fear to come into my heart, when I think about him? Is my fear tangible, or is it irrational? Could it be because he may be so much older than I? Or, could it be something else?

Ahh, this is the sort of magickal, wondrous night when I wish I was out driving. Driving nowhere in particular, or on my trip cross-continent. Or, perhaps, living on my own, and singing, and dancing around alone in my apartment.

Something pulls me, calls to me, on nights such as this one. I can't explain it, but it's always there. On nights like this, it's so much stronger than on other ones. I love it, this pull on me, and I only wish that I could follow where it leads me, but, as yet, I cannot.

Someday, I will find out. Someday, I swear it.

Someday.

I want to get into a car, and drive, just drive, where the wind bids me go. It's Somewhere far from here, but I know nothing more than that.

It may not even be anywhere I can get to just by car. I don't know.

I best go study my chemistry, now, Nikki-chan. I'll probably write another entry in you later tonight.

Love eternal,

- Vale

Notes from 2010: January 9, 1999: Entry 1.

The book series I reference at the beginning of this entry is the Covenant With the Vampire series by Jeanne Kalogridis, a trilogy that serves as backstory to Dracula. I'm not the superfan I was back then, but I'd still recommend her books to anyone who likes the original Dracula.

I should probably be mortified to admit this, but I can still get that fannishly excited about a story I'm really, really into--be it a book, TV show, movie, manga or comic series, whatever. And relatable characters have always been the most important factor for me in whether I connect with a story. Back then there was the extra layer of helping to alleviate some of my loneliness: I barely had any real friends, but feeling emotionally connected with characters in books helped me feel less completely alone in the world. On the other hand, knowing that imaginary characters were the closest thing I had to friends could also make me feel that much more lonely and depressed when I was in a self-hating mood. But losing myself in stories I loved was one of the healthier coping mechanisms I had, and one of the ones I'm glad I've held onto. When I need it, it still works for me.

"Enigma Boy" comes up again in this entry, much to my current-day chagrin. I'm pretty sure the fear was plain old fear of rejection and making a fool of myself, though I guess I can't say with absolute certainty that it wasn't more than that. Full disclosure: I've done a 180 with the whole "hopeless romantic" thing in the last 10 years, in that I would have called myself one when I was in high school, and barely consider myself at all romantic (at least in the love sense) today. I find it hard not to write off high-school-Vale's feelings in crush entries, because I just so don't think that way anymore. So if my commentary on that stuff seems a bit cynical, that's why. I'll try to keep the snarkier cynicism at bay as much as I can. I don't want to alienate anyone--but I do reserve the right to make fun of myself at least some of the time. I mean, ten years from now I'll probably be laughing at a bunch of the shit I've got up to in my 20s, you know?

One thing that I can still get all starry-eyed romantic about is wanderlust. I still feel like that sometimes--like I want to just jump in my car, start driving, and figure out where I'm going whenever I happen to get there. I haven't managed a cross-continental road trip yet, but I would still love for that someday to come. Who knows, maybe I'll eventually set aside some time to make it happen. I kind of love that that's a possibility now.

"Nihao" means "hello" in Mandarin Chinese.

Dec. 30, 1998.

Just in case I don't get to say it later, Happy North American New Year, Nikki-chan!!! *laughs*

Wow--it's almost the turn of the century. And, also almost the end of the millennium... A weird thought, isn't it? I think so.

I've been sort of depressed, lately. I really need to find new friends. I don't want to ditch Dani, or even Hannah, or Izzy, but I need friends who actually live around here (Dani's out), and who I can stand (Hannah's out), and who give a shit about me (Izzy's out). I really have to try to find people, but I probably won't until I leave.

I was thinking, about an hour ago, how long it is, still, until I graduate from grade 12. I figured out that it's not so long as it seems to be. See, in a couple days, it'll be January. February is already half-way through the school year. And, by April, it's going to be seeming more and more like spring. It'll be warmer, sunnier, the snow'll be melting, everything'll be blooming, the sky will be that much bluer--I love spring! I really do. Summer's my favourite, then spring, then winter, then fall.

It's really not all that long until spring begins, and then it's just two and a half short months until summer's here. It'll be another boring, sit-around-at-home, friendless summer, but it'll be summer, and then I'll be a senior. And, I'll be applying to collages. I'll need to take the SATs some time, won't I? No matter what, I'll refuse to tell Hannah what my score is, if I do take them--especially my math score!!! I doubt that I'll do too well, and even if I do, I don't want her to go into competetive mode, and compare her marks with me, trying to justify how I could possibly be better than her at something. *rolls eyes* Such an inferiority complex that girl has. She can be such a bitch!

But, I'll tell mom that I'd like to take them, over the summer, so that I can try it again, if I do horribly.

I may not even tell Hannah that I'm taking them at all. Just do it silently, and cheer all by myself about how I do. It's something I think would be a good idea, though. I may not get into the universities I want around here, and they may not even have the programs that I'd need. I'd like to check out all the American-type places which would work for me, too. Maybe I could even be schooled in California--maybe even Hollywood, which would be bitchin' for an aspiring film writer!

I doubt it, but what the hell! A girl can dream, ne? *laughs*

So, the SATs are a definately good idea. I wonder how I can get a green card, too, if I move to the States to write? I'll have to find all that out, too, but it won't be an issue for quite awhile, I don't think.

Hmmm... the future. It seems so close, now. It's a little scary, but really pretty nice, when you get right down to it!

I'm feeling a little better now, so I think I'll go watch some TV!

Thank you, Nikki-chan. You're a wonderful friend and confidant!

Love and hugs,

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 30, 1998.

This is my final entry from 1998 and the first part of eleventh grade. A bit of a pensive entry, but not too down. I talk about being depressed, but there's a lot of optimism here too, which is nice to see.

It becomes obvious in this entry that I'm not American. Hannah had taken the SATs because she was fairly certain she wanted to go to a US university, and had scored very well. I was considering taking them because I wanted to option of applying to US schools. I didn't end up taking them at that point; and if I had, there is no way I would have beaten Hannah's score--she is extremely smart and well-rounded.

In this case, I did follow up on the idea some years later, scored reasonably well, and got accepted to an American college for a second degree. Despite all my bitching and moaning in this entry, Hannah has been one of the ones to reassure me that just because I didn't ace the math section of the test doesn't mean I'm bad at math, and that I underestimate my non-arts intelligence. As you'll hear me say over and over: she's a good friend.

I did study film for a while, and decided it wasn't for me after all. I never did go to school in California, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be eaten alive if I tried to find my way into Hollywood. I still fucking love the weather in L.A., though.

Dec. 5, 1998.

Let's see--a car, driving lessons, a new computer.

The first two I definately need to pay for myself. The third, I ought to pay for, myself. I mean, I'm the only one who uses it, right? So, I need several thousand dollars.

Where can I get that? The driving lessons I have pretty much taken care of. I definately need a job, now.

Only a few days to go, ne?

I'll be doing what Iris does, I guess. My homework, job-type-work, and musical rehearsals. Plus, if I continue, my improv class once a week,

But, I really need a job. Both for the new computer, or at least repairs on the old one, and for a car.

And, once I have that, university, so that I don't have to stay in this hell hole for years to come.

I'm going to go write Sheila now. I'll probably come back to this later.

Jya-ne.

- Vale

Nov. 22, 1998.

This should be a short one.

More out of necessity--I need to keep studying, or fail another assignment. I went to Colin for help with math, but he was on the phone. He'll probably forget about me. That's what people tend to do.

Izzy called me tonight. He asked me to feed his pets while he's away. What am I to him? Does he consider me a friend, still? I am asking sincerely... I really wish that I could know. At the moment, I've no idea. He, and his parents, obviously consider me trustworthy, but I don't know if he thinks of me as a friend anymore. I can hardly say I think of him as one. I don't really know him. Not anymore.

I rather miss having a best friend.

It really was a nice thing, having someone who I really felt I knew, could confide in, and could believe in. Of course, it didn't last. Nothing one believes in ever does. Love, friendships, everything fades.

"Nothing beautiful
Nothing beautiful lasts"

So, of course I am feeding them--I like his pets. His cats are sweeties. But, our friendship is pretty much lost, I'm afraid to say, and is likely irreperable.

I have, no longer, a best friend. I've known that for some time now, but I wanted to write the words. It makes it more real, which is probably a good thing. I need to deal, and move on. I can survive alone--it'll just hurt for awhile. For as long as I am alone, it will hurt. But, I will find people who love me, and the pain will die.

For now, I wish I could just be saved. Be happy again.

One day, when I'm older, I'll read back through these. And I'll laugh, or I'll cry, or maybe some of both.

And, I'll think of what has or hasn't happened to change my life.

Whoever you are, who is reading this now, the me-but-not-me, I hope that you are, and will forever feel all the passions, and that you are and will be happy. I hope that you have friends, and love, and that you know who you are, and are happy with what you've become.

Please--I am a part of you. Never forget me.

Find happiness. Love.

And, most important of all:

Be yourself.

I hope that life is better where you are...

"In the arms of the Angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel
May you find some comfort here.
You're in the arms of the Angel
May you find some comfort here."

Good luck.

I love you.

Thank you, Nikki-chan, for carrying this message. You are my portal to the future.

"To infinity, and beyond..."

Jya-ne.

- Vale

Sept. 30, 1998.

Now it has been an eternity. Will the pain ever stop? I wish, sometimes, that everyone would just leave me alone, forget about me. I wish that no one knew I existed. I think that would actually make everything less lonely than it is, right now. If everyone would just stop bullshitting me, stop pretending to care. It'd be nice.

I'm still lonely.

Will I ever feel loved?

Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear. I... well, part of me is serious when it thinks about running away. When it thinks about going with Izzy and his friend to her mansion, with her millions, and hiding out there. Most of me know that would just cause problems, but part of me... part of me wishes I could. Really, really does.

Even if only for the ability to totally start over. Completely. Then, though, I'd have to be utterly alone. To start totally new. But, for now, it'd be close enough.

I hate my life (not living, just being so alone), school, lonliness, and having no one to truely open up to, who would listen to me, then open up right back.

Oh well. I have homework, now. I hate school so much... it's Hell on Earth. Fuck it all. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Jya-ne.

- Vale

Notes from 2010: September 30, 1998.

The September 30 entry is prefaced by a two-line entry from August 30, which for some reason I never had a chance to write more of.

I have no idea now who this millionaire friend of Izzy's was supposed to be. For the record, he never ran away with her either, since from the sound of my entry he'd apparently been considering it.

The parenthesis where I clarify that I don't hate living, just how my life is, are my words at that time. I was trying to keep those things separate in my mind because I hadn't yet given in quite enough to self-loathing to actively consider suicide, and I was afraid of getting to that point if I started thinking that it was, in fact, myself I hated.

I talk in this entry about wanting to go somewhere else and start over completely new, by which I meant, be someone completely other than who I was. I hadn't yet learned that it doesn't necessarily work out that way--at least, not if what you're running away from is, like my shyness, and intrinsic part of yourself. A few years down the road, I did have an opportunity to start over fresh as a university student, in a city where I barely knew anyone, and it didn't exactly go as I'd hoped. I did manage to work through a lot of my issues around being shy eventually--seeing a psychologist worked very well for me, with that--but it wasn't until I started therapy that I started making the changes I wanted so badly. Before that, it was like Social Distortion says in "Ball and Chain": "But wherever I have gone/I was sure to find myself there/You can run all your life/But not go anywhere". Sometimes it still feels that way. But I do like myself a lot more than I used to these days, and I have a lot more confidence that I am able to change the parts I don't like, if I put my mind to it.

The sign-off I use, "jya-ne", means "bye" or "see you later" in Japanese. I was all about boosting my otaku cred. At least in my own mind, since by this point no one else much gave a crap. *L*

Aug. 25, 1998.

I drink too much pop.

I don't know, it just seemed like a good way to start off an entry. I do, anyway. I drink at least two, often three cans a day.

You know, I'm thinking of getting another diary. I don't know why too well... I just... A lot of things have been recorded in here, which some would call bizarre; things which would have people deem me insane. I'm not.

I still believe in the things I wrote about in here, still believe in Magick. I guess I always have.

I'm naïve. I trust and believe in what people say too easily. In some cases, at any rate.

I don't trust and believe in people easily, though. Every person I've ever really, truely believed in (and, there have been precious few) has hurt me. Mom, Dad, Izzy, Hannah... all of them. It's still a struggle, at times, not to believe... in both them and others.

Why do they always hurt me? Why can't I trust, love, believe in those I ought to be able to believe in without the constant, overlying fear that they will suddenly change?

My parents shouldn't hurt me, should they?

Not physically, of course, but the wounds are still there. Some are slowly healing, most are raw and open.

It hurts so bad.

Pain.

Pain.

I know it so well.

Apparently, I "owe" Mom two hours' worth of work on my room. I always have a drawing to finish.

I feel like I have to scream and cry, but even if I do, no one will ever listen. Even when they do, they never, ever, ever hear.

"Please let me start screaming.
Please let me start screaming.
Please let me start screaming.
Please let me start screaming."

Those lines from Invisible Man by Lush, I believe?

Dad was in another of his moods today. I can't believe I got my hopes up when he joked with me like he used to, when he came to pick me up.

Is it normal to feel like crying every time you spend time with your father? Is it okay if he acts as though he doesn't like you, and ignores you when you try to start a conversation?

No. No, I really don't think it is.

It's good that he talks to Colin, at least, like he used to talk to me. Colin, I think, needs love and compassion more than I do, right now.

I guess that it was a choice of one of us or the other, huh?

Dad does what Mom does, now. Only, in some ways, he's worse. He makes me feel guilty, like I should apologize, then he gets upset with me when I do.

What the hell does he want of me? What does he expect?!

Bitter irony. He's quite a hypocrite. He condemns Mom for doing things he now does himself.

If all his talks about looking out for you and never helping others out of pure kindness lead to such emotionlessness, heartlessness, well, then, so be it. Let me be screwed, over and over, by those whom I help out of love and kindness. I will never be so cold. Never.

I will be me, not whomever he expects me to be, expects me to become.

I am me. If you don't love me for who I am--and this goes for all of you, present and future--stay the hell out of my life.

These pages are so small, it's hard to write. But bigger books don't come with locks. As flimsy as the locks on diaries are, I will not use one which is without.

As little protection as they may provide, it's better than nothing.

I haven't felt so bleak, so desolate, in a long, long time. I don't even have anyone to confide in, to whom I could speak freely of my pain. I hate my life.

I don't hate me, but I hate my life.

I need to get out of here, to start over somewhere new. Unfortunately, it'll be three or so more years until I can. Doesn't that suck?

This is one of those rare, lowest of low moments when even death seems preferable than this continued existence.

But I don't truely want to die. I want to escape. And I want people to be friends with, and people to love.

How many, I wonder, people will I be able to find who are not scared of my being Wiccan, and who like anime?

Few, I'm sure.

When I got home, I hoped to find solace from pain. But Mom was tired, and so I went to hide in her room and watch T.V. I sat there and cried almost silently, for a few minutes. Living like this is more than I can bear.

When she took me to get my supper, later, I was so tense. I didn't know if I would say the wrong thing, or too little, or too much, or what I would do to set her off at me.

Thank the God and Goddess, I managed not to set her off. She asked me if I was alright, and I said yes. She believed me. Good. I don't want to have to explain. Not now, maybe not ever.

She didn't listen. The one time I tried to, she refused to listen, and she yelled at me. She won't even try to stop hurting me.

Won't hardly even consider it.

I wish I had someone to look out for me.

I mean, and older brother or sister, or one of my parents, or a grandparent, or someone. Anyone.

But, I don't have anyone.

I have no one. I have no friends, and I have no family I can trust in.

I'm all alone.

And I'm so, so lonely...

- Vale

Aug. 3, 1998.

I really need to take one of those long, long walks of mine again.

I haven't seen Skylark since, apparently, June. That's okay, I've given up on her. I'm never on-line anymore, anyway. I don't chat, and I haven't answered my e-mail in pretty much forever. I just can't bring myself to answer my mail. As for chatting, why bother? What reason have I to go on those? None. Easy answer. I have no more friends there than I do IRL. In other words, none. I was right when I said that this was not a mere passing lonliness.

I cannot wait to finally escape out of this city. I don't care anymore if I have to work in a McDonald's sort of job until I'm 40 to save up enough money to go to university, if Dad's parents won't pay, unless I go to the one here. If I'm forced to stay here for that long, I'll probably kill myself.

I'm so lonely... I have no one who loves me, here. No one who loves me enough not to constantly hurt or ignore me. I need to get away, and, at the very least, be an outsider in another place. Maybe I'll get involved in some sort of exchange program in grade 12... or, if possible, next year. Get away, on my own, and either make friends elsewhere or be a loner, an outsider, in a different setting, as I said.

Hannah only wants to do things with Stacie. Stacie doesn't seem to like me. Or, perhaps, she's just shy. I don't know. Either way, when I'm with them, they ignore me, when I'm not, they want to keep it that way.

Izzy never calls me, although he always says he will. Next time he tells me that I'm just going to tell him not to bullshit me, and leave. He has other friends, and for all his pretty words about us being his "real" friends, he ignores us. I'm obviously no longer one of his best friends. And, that "real" friends stuff is just more bullshit from someone who's turned out to be one of the biggest lying bullshitters I know.

I think I'll go on one of the chats, talk about how I'm depressed and no one gives a shit about me, and actually try to alienate myself further than I've already been alienated. I don't need them. None of them.

I only need me. I'm fine entirely on my own.

Jya-ne.

- Vale