Jan. 6, 1999. (ED trigger warning)

Just a quick note, Nikki-chan. To quote from Go Ask Alice: "I'm going to start a diet this very day... Not one more bite of chocolate or nary a french fried potato will pass my lips till I've lost (my number inserted) 20 globby pounds of lumpy lard."

I gained back two or three pounds, so I'm going to not eat a single snack until I've at least gone back to 154, or so! How could I possible have gained so much weight?! I haven't been exercising less (I'm going to start doing that every day as soon as exams end), nor eating more, except for a little lapse today. How can I be getting fat again?! I'll lose at least 18 pounds, though, and get down to my ideal weight of 140 pounds! That would be wonderful! And, I'll stick to my "one sweet thing per day" rule religiously from now on! Once I allow myself to snack again, that is--none at all, until I'm back to what I should be for now: 154!!

I don't like how I look, now--I can see the excess fat on my body. I know that I still weigh less than I did before the 20-whateverth of December, but that's so not the point! Just being less than 160 isn't good enough. I need to be thin!!! Or muscular--both, preferably! Gym membership, here I come!

Now, though, I have to get back to studying for exams.

Wish me luck, Nikki-chan!

- Vale

Notes from 2010: January 6, 1999.

I mention Go Ask Alice again in this entry. Despite being a complete teetotaler (lame as hell word for it, but I've never felt like it would be quite truthful to call myself straight edge, so there it is), I identified deeply with some of the shit Alice goes through as an addict: how lost she is for most of the book, and how her diary is sometimes her only friend and all that keeps her sane. I know now that the book has been heavily edited and fictionalized to drive home the "drugs are evil & wrong" message, but despite having to take it all with a grain of salt, it's still a book that means a lot to me because it was so close to my heart back then. I still have a copy of it around somewhere, and it'll probably always have a home on my bookshelf.

ED trigger alert: The dieting stuff. I've had body image issues pretty much since puberty, and I definitely ate to comfort myself as a teenager, though I didn't think of it that way at the time. I always felt fat and unattractive, and had no confidence whatsoever in my looks. I was constantly making resolutions to diet and exercise more, following them for a short time, then giving up. I did tend to lose weight during musical, since rehearsals kept me busy and I probably didn't have as much time to sit around and eat, but I gained it all back as soon as the musical ended. I was also a late bloomer with fashion and makeup, so I was just starting to get into that in tenth and eleventh grades. Sadly, my body image bullshit hasn't changed significantly in the past decade, and has been compounded by an ED-NOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified--i.e. doesn't quite fit into any of the official eating disorder categories--for those of you lucky enough not to know the lingo) that I'm somewhat recovered from. Logically, I'm aware that I'm in much better shape now than I was as a teenager. But I still feel fat and ugly most of the time.