Friday, May 28, 2010

Jan. 11, 1999.

I no longer consider it unfair that Yvonne & Co. accept Hannah, bitch that she is, more than me, who's a nice person. I am not any longer bothered by their being more friendly with her than with me. Not even by their hardly being civil to me. I don't want to be friends with them. I don't envy them their friendships at all.

They're superficial, fake, unkind, and, worst of all, they're totally conforming. Do I want to be a part of that? No. I want people to accept & care about me for me, not who I pretend to be, or who they think I am.

Yvonne and James are not terribly unkind to me, but obviously they find my presence distasteful. I'm not like them. I can hear it in their voices that they wish I'd shove off, and leave them be. Whatever. They don't know me. Why should I care if they dislike whatever the hell they think I am?

And, when Yvonne started getting annoyed while I was messing with my bag, and thanking that girl: can we say bitch? God, she, Hannah, James--they deserve each other. I don't really like any of them.

Therefore, I don't give a flying fuck what they think of me! They don't count for anything. Not a smidge. They may as well be non people, for all their opinions matter to me, now!

Can you tell that I'm pleased with myself, and totally revelling in my newfound I-don't-give-a-shit-what-the-fuck-you-thinkness? *grins* I am sooo proud that I've gotten over that silly "why don't they like me??" stage!

They count for naught! Silly people, not worth any attention! Alyssa--now that's a person who's still nice. She treats me like a peer--like a person, not a student/punching bag, nor an idiot who knows shit. She obviously doesn't think I'm stupid, and I know that she's not. I've hung out with her a couple times, in the last week, or so--it's cool. I'd like to keep doing it, but I'm not getting my hopes up. I know better than that. I'm cautious, and a tiny bit hopeful, but that's it.

God, Hannah is so becoming less and less tolerable. She sticks her hand out in front of my face, as I'm walking through the halls. Can she not get past that stage?

I'm sor

No, I'm not sorry. I was going to say that, but I'm not. At all. I swear, though, I am so sick of the whole beating-each-other-up thing we used to do in, like grade nine. I'm past it. It's just totally not funny anymore. I grew up, and out of that, earlier this year, once and for all. Once in awhile, it's still fun, but she wants it to be the constant thing, and I don't, anymore.

I think she might be getting that idea, just the tiniest bit, finally. I would hardly give her a response, at lunch, when she tried to bring it up.

What is her childhood trauma?! Why can she not give the hell up one all of that?

If she wants to keep my friendship, she's going to have to grow up, and stop doing it all the time. Once in a long while it'll still be fun, but that's it.

Can she not mature? It's childish, not childlike, how she acts.

And she talks down to me?

What shit is that?

I so cannot put up with that for another year and a half. If it lasts too much longer, and I bet that it does, then I will have to speak to her about it. Failing that (I'll have to try a few times, before she'll listen, but I'm not going to totally do it all. I won't try to force it on her, nor will I expend a huge amount of effort, if she gives nothing in return), I will stop spending so much time with her. I'll let our friendship fade and die, but I will not regress to accomodate her childish ways. It's her turn to change, to make the effort. I won't force it on her, but it'll be her loss, too, if she won't give me anything back.

I can't and won't keep putting up with this. It's not fun, nor funny any longer, as I said before, and it's turning into a minor sort of abuse.

It's nothing I need, want, nor have to put up with.

And, know what? I won't. I'll stand my ground on this one. I won't take shit from her which I don't deserve. And that is, for the most part, none of it. Hellooo, assertive me! I need to get like this constantly!

I think I've started down a wonderful, and necessary, albeit potentially painful, road! Go me!

Wish me luck, Nikki-chan! I wish you the best in everything you do, too! ^_^

I can hear you cheering me on! "Goooo meeee!!!" *laughs*

Blessed be and love eternal, Nikki-chan!

- Vale

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