Friday, April 30, 2010

Dec. 30, 1998.

Just in case I don't get to say it later, Happy North American New Year, Nikki-chan!!! *laughs*

Wow--it's almost the turn of the century. And, also almost the end of the millennium... A weird thought, isn't it? I think so.

I've been sort of depressed, lately. I really need to find new friends. I don't want to ditch Dani, or even Hannah, or Izzy, but I need friends who actually live around here (Dani's out), and who I can stand (Hannah's out), and who give a shit about me (Izzy's out). I really have to try to find people, but I probably won't until I leave.

I was thinking, about an hour ago, how long it is, still, until I graduate from grade 12. I figured out that it's not so long as it seems to be. See, in a couple days, it'll be January. February is already half-way through the school year. And, by April, it's going to be seeming more and more like spring. It'll be warmer, sunnier, the snow'll be melting, everything'll be blooming, the sky will be that much bluer--I love spring! I really do. Summer's my favourite, then spring, then winter, then fall.

It's really not all that long until spring begins, and then it's just two and a half short months until summer's here. It'll be another boring, sit-around-at-home, friendless summer, but it'll be summer, and then I'll be a senior. And, I'll be applying to collages. I'll need to take the SATs some time, won't I? No matter what, I'll refuse to tell Hannah what my score is, if I do take them--especially my math score!!! I doubt that I'll do too well, and even if I do, I don't want her to go into competetive mode, and compare her marks with me, trying to justify how I could possibly be better than her at something. *rolls eyes* Such an inferiority complex that girl has. She can be such a bitch!

But, I'll tell mom that I'd like to take them, over the summer, so that I can try it again, if I do horribly.

I may not even tell Hannah that I'm taking them at all. Just do it silently, and cheer all by myself about how I do. It's something I think would be a good idea, though. I may not get into the universities I want around here, and they may not even have the programs that I'd need. I'd like to check out all the American-type places which would work for me, too. Maybe I could even be schooled in California--maybe even Hollywood, which would be bitchin' for an aspiring film writer!

I doubt it, but what the hell! A girl can dream, ne? *laughs*

So, the SATs are a definately good idea. I wonder how I can get a green card, too, if I move to the States to write? I'll have to find all that out, too, but it won't be an issue for quite awhile, I don't think.

Hmmm... the future. It seems so close, now. It's a little scary, but really pretty nice, when you get right down to it!

I'm feeling a little better now, so I think I'll go watch some TV!

Thank you, Nikki-chan. You're a wonderful friend and confidant!

Love and hugs,

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 30, 1998.

This is my final entry from 1998 and the first part of eleventh grade. A bit of a pensive entry, but not too down. I talk about being depressed, but there's a lot of optimism here too, which is nice to see.

It becomes obvious in this entry that I'm not American. Hannah had taken the SATs because she was fairly certain she wanted to go to a US university, and had scored very well. I was considering taking them because I wanted to option of applying to US schools. I didn't end up taking them at that point; and if I had, there is no way I would have beaten Hannah's score--she is extremely smart and well-rounded.

In this case, I did follow up on the idea some years later, scored reasonably well, and got accepted to an American college for a second degree. Despite all my bitching and moaning in this entry, Hannah has been one of the ones to reassure me that just because I didn't ace the math section of the test doesn't mean I'm bad at math, and that I underestimate my non-arts intelligence. As you'll hear me say over and over: she's a good friend.

I did study film for a while, and decided it wasn't for me after all. I never did go to school in California, and I have a sneaking suspicion that I would be eaten alive if I tried to find my way into Hollywood. I still fucking love the weather in L.A., though.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dec. 26, 1998.

There are times when I can't believe how huge my ego is! See, today, when I went on one of the chats, Brodie was on, and we were doing the whole joking-flirting thing that a lot of people there do with their friends, and I just started thinking "what if Brodie really does have feelings for me?"

I know, I know, really egotistical! I can't believe how swelled my ego must be, to think things like that! *rolls eyes, grins* So, anyway, I called him the "third big brother I never had", and hoped that that would make things clear, just in case, although my rational mind knows that it's totally needless! He so isn't crushing on me, or anything so silly as that, and I know it, even if I do worry a little that he might be, 'cause that'd just be ew!

Let me just give the reasons why this would never work, so that I can deflate my own over-sized ego a bit!

First of all I'm way too young for him! He's 20 or 21, and I'm 16. I won't go out with anyone over 19, IRL, although in c-space, my standards would be different. But, that's just too much of an age difference! Second, he's my bud, and I'm his! Why would either of us ever want to ruin that? Sure, I used to have a mini-crush on him, but that was so long ago as to be of no consequence, whatsoever! Nuh-uh, no way, nope! Not a chance! What else... well, most importantly, there's the fact that people, male and female both, don't think about me like that! Not as romantic relationship material, I mean. Both IRL, and in c-space, I'm a just-friends, one-of-the-guys-with-a-twist sort of girl! Guys (i.e,. Brodie) aren't interested in me, with the single exception of my ex-c-guy, and girls aren't interested in me, either (i.e., Skylark).

Hopefully, others will begin to show interest, as I get older, or even sooner, although I highly doubt that the latter will happen. I would like to have a boyfriend, eventually! Or a girlfriend, if I found someone nice--like Skylark, ne?

I still hold out hope. I may actually outright ask her, once I learn her age, if she's not many years older than me! We'll see. I may chicken out at the last moment--I guess I'll find out eventually! Anyway, any ideas about people crushing on me are so obviously all in my head, and it's actually sort of funny that I think they might think of me like that! *grins, chuckles*

So long! *love and kisses, Nikki-chan!*

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 26, 1998.

Clearly the idea of an older guy I respected possibly having a thing for me seemed all "ooh, exciting!" at the time. I am absolutely confident that Brodie had no interest in me. I'm pretty sure he had a serious girlfriend. But it was a minor confidence boost to imagine that someone could maybe find me attractive.

As embarrassing as this entry is, at least it's an up moment mixed in with the down ones. Hence including it (and others like it), despite being tangential to the main theme of this blog. I don't want this to be all depression, all the time. There were other sides to my life too, and it would feel dishonest to exclude those entries. I want this to be as full a picture as possible of who I was as I can manage, while keeping this anonymous.

The "ex-c-guy" I mention was some dude I "cyber dated" for a month or two, primarily because all my friends were into that and I didn't want to be left out. Not a relationship I put much stock in, even while I was involved in it. Thankfully, I don't think he particularly did either.

Dec. 23, 1998.

It's raining outside, and it's loud, and windy, and beautiful. I need to write soon. So that I won't let my co-author down. I'll do that soon. I'll try.

I haven't seen Skylark again, yet. I get a bit restless when I wish that I could see her, and she doesn't come on.

Maybe I should try calling to her, with my mind and heart, as I've done before. It worked, at least one time that I did it, if not several. What I would give to have her be as attracted to me as I am to her...

I do more than just lust after her, now. I would give so much to get to know her personally, and more for us to fall in love with each other... Though, nothing would I give which would effect my life too far in the future, and nothing I hold truly important. In the cosmic sense, ours would be a passing romance, but I would still give much for it to happen.

Skylark, if only you knew how I feel... and could find it within yourself to return my feelings with equal strength... And, if only our love could grow into something huge, and beautiful, and wonderful...

I... would like to love you, Skylark. If you'd give me the chance.

*sighs, smiles a little*

Oyasumi nasai, Skylark-chan. Nikki-chan.

Sleep well, both of you.

Love eternal

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 23, 1998.

I was attempting to co-author a Sailor Moon fanfic with someone I'd met online, which is the writing I talk about at the beginning of this entry. Sadly, I procrastinated too much to uphold my half of the story.

I also talk a little about magick here--"call to her with my mind and heart" and all that.

Even then, though I thought of myself as a "hopeless romantic" (which is far from the case these days), there was a limit on how much I was willing to consider sacrificing for love. I have usually drawn very strong lines between crush feelings and actual love, and unrequited and romantic love (though you'll see them blur in my mind with my crush on Mark in future entries), and there have always been things in my life that are more important to me than finding "true love". The potential for success, for instance. The ability to write. There are things I would never give up for the love of anyone, and that's always been the case. Some things are just worth more than that.

"Oyasumi nasai" means "good night" in Japanese. "-chan" is a Japanese diminutive used for young girls and close female peers.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Dec. 22, 1998.

I swear to God, I am trying to lose my crush on Skylark. I really am. I wasn't so excited as I usually am, last time I saw her on--last night--but, when she left, I felt such disappointment... I wish that I'd talked to her more, so she would have stayed. It's so much easier not to crush on her when she's not around...

But, I so love seeing her that it's worth any pain, ne?

It's times like this that I wish I was a guy. If I was, I'd flirt like mad with her. Maybe even end up going out with her. But it's never to be, so... I'll just have to hope that either she shows interest in me, too, or that I get over it, and move on.

I wish I had someone I could talk about this with. But, there's no one who I trust enough and would feel comfortable sharing my secret with. I'd talk to Dani, but I would feel way to uncomfortable telling her that my crush is a girl.

So, like everything else I feel, I'll just have to deal with it by myself, ne? I do it all the time with painful emotions, so this should be an easy thing to contend with, in comparison.

Ah, Nikki-chan, would that everyone were as patient and caring as you. Then, this, none of this, would be at all a problem. But, this is one of those "you can't always get what you want" things that I'm just coming to accept--few people are. I tend to be, but people like me are rare, special, and wonderful. At least a few of us do grace this world with our presence.

At any rate, back to the matter currently at hand. I hope to see her again, soon--if I do, then I'll just talk to her as I would any normal friend. no flirting, no kissing of hands, nothing. The closest I'll come will be to say that I wish I could get her a Christmas gift. If things could only go as they do within my head, she'd then respond with "talking to you is gift enough for me," but in her beautiful, romantic way of speaking.

Of course, that is far too much for me to ask for. Which hurts, but I know that I'll survive this, as I do everything else.

Skylark will probably never fall in love with me, but at least she'll, I hope, become my friend.

I guess that I can't ask for much more than that, much as I'd like to. My Lord and Lady have more important matters at hand than one of their childrens' lovelife. *smiles* I'm not being at all sarcastic--I know that they'd help me, if I ever truly needed it. Now is just not a time when I do.

I'll ask Skylark, next time I'm so lucky as to see her, if she'd mind my asking her age. Maybe she'll be only 13 or 14, anyway, which would kill any and all romantic notions I have about the poor girl. I wonder if she knows? How I feel about her, I mean. She surely isn't stupid, which means that, unless it grosses her out, and she's explained it away to herself in some other fashion, she probably does. But, if so, she chooses to ignore it.

I can't help but wonder (because of my slight egotism) if perhaps she feels the same way about me, and that's why she left so quickly yesterday--because I wasn't talking to her?

But, I know that this isn't true. Unless she's just way better at hiding it than I am, and I'm sure that's not it.

Wish I could take one of my hours long walks just now--go to all my secret places, and sit, and watch, and write, and take pictures...

But, it's too cold, and it may be icy. I really wish that I lived in a place where it never got this cold.

I need some time alone. To think. And, I need to be in a place I'm in tune with, to really be able to think as much, as well, and as clearly as I need to do. So, my dilemma may not even resolve itself until spring. If it's even resolved then.

At least it's not an IRL thing. That would be even more awkward than everything already is...

I hope and even pray with all my heart that I will see Skylark again soon. Maybe I'll even presume to ask her real name, but I doubt it. I won't flirt, though, unless she is blatantly obviously flirting with me. And, not only would that never happen (though I so wish it would), even if it did, I'd probably not flirt back, just in case I was misinterpreting her motives and actions.

If only someone would c-attack her, and I could help in defending her... or, if she'd let me really get to know her, and take the time and make the effort to let me do the same...

Then, maybe, something would happen like I wish it to.

But, even then, likely not.

I'll keep hoping, but I'll do my very best not to scare her off.

Wish me luck, Nikki-chan. Love always and eternal

- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 22, 1998.

I actually get a little egotistical in this post. I'm almost impressed that I could still get that up myself at this point.

I don't think I ever saw Skylark again after this entry, so the whole becoming friends thing never happened. Probably for the best, really--I have no idea what she thought of me (though I'm reasonably certain she knew I was a girl), but unless she happened to be queer too, I was probably creeping her out. Whatever the case, she was never anything but pleasant to me.

I did continue to identify as bisexual, happily, and I became increasingly more comfortable with that as time went on. In 1998, still very early on in my coming out process, I would still have taken the mythical "straight pill" if someone had offered it to me. A year or two later that had already changed, and I wouldn't have given up being bi for any reason. In the present day my sexuality is one of the parts of my personality I am most confident in, comfortable with and certain of. (I actually prefer to identify as pansexual now, though I'll still call myself bisexual for simplicity at times, depending on who I'm talking to.) Looking back on the early days kind of makes me smile.

Sadly, the note about being glad my unrequited crush wasn't "an IRL thing" was prophetic. And, yes, you will get to see just how pathetic and awkward all that gets in some later entries. God, does all that make me squirm now.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Dec. 5, 1998.

Let's see--a car, driving lessons, a new computer.

The first two I definately need to pay for myself. The third, I ought to pay for, myself. I mean, I'm the only one who uses it, right? So, I need several thousand dollars.

Where can I get that? The driving lessons I have pretty much taken care of. I definately need a job, now.

Only a few days to go, ne?

I'll be doing what Iris does, I guess. My homework, job-type-work, and musical rehearsals. Plus, if I continue, my improv class once a week,

But, I really need a job. Both for the new computer, or at least repairs on the old one, and for a car.

And, once I have that, university, so that I don't have to stay in this hell hole for years to come.

I'm going to go write Sheila now. I'll probably come back to this later.


- Vale

Notes from 2010: December 5, 1998.

I mention Iris for the first time in this entry. I'm a little surprised that it's taken this long for her name to come up, but I like to think it's because I had so few issues with her, she didn't have a place in the more ranty entries.

Sheila was a c-penpal I can't remember anything much about anymore.

You see my independent streak coming through again here. I was, in the moment, dead serious about wanting to do everything myself. But because I was always speaking in anger when I swore to make it completely on my own, I was never much for the follow-through. I never did get my first paying job until the summer after I graduated from high school.

I also mention the school musical for the first time. I was in the extended chorus--i.e. the people who had to be included because the staff in charge wasn't allowed to turn anyone away if they wanted to be involved. Witness my amazing talent for performance. Musical rehearsals were, more often than not, miserably lonely for me, especially since Iris had to drop out of the chorus due to lack of time. I stuck with it--to this day, I'm not entirely sure why--and that becomes important later on in terms of some people I meet through rehearsals, and my big (silly) high school crush, which I developed there.

Nov. 30, 1998.

"Hide not your Talents; they for Use were made. What's a Sundial in the Shade?" - Benjamin Franklin

We are all losers to someone else.

We are all heroes to someone else.

We are all idols to someone else.

We are all beautiful to someone else.

Keep this in mind.

You are wonderful.

- Vale

Notes from 2010: November 30, 1998.

I had my positive moments. I still like this entry, and the quote that starts it off.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Nov. 22, 1998.

This should be a short one.

More out of necessity--I need to keep studying, or fail another assignment. I went to Colin for help with math, but he was on the phone. He'll probably forget about me. That's what people tend to do.

Izzy called me tonight. He asked me to feed his pets while he's away. What am I to him? Does he consider me a friend, still? I am asking sincerely... I really wish that I could know. At the moment, I've no idea. He, and his parents, obviously consider me trustworthy, but I don't know if he thinks of me as a friend anymore. I can hardly say I think of him as one. I don't really know him. Not anymore.

I rather miss having a best friend.

It really was a nice thing, having someone who I really felt I knew, could confide in, and could believe in. Of course, it didn't last. Nothing one believes in ever does. Love, friendships, everything fades.

"Nothing beautiful
Nothing beautiful lasts"

So, of course I am feeding them--I like his pets. His cats are sweeties. But, our friendship is pretty much lost, I'm afraid to say, and is likely irreperable.

I have, no longer, a best friend. I've known that for some time now, but I wanted to write the words. It makes it more real, which is probably a good thing. I need to deal, and move on. I can survive alone--it'll just hurt for awhile. For as long as I am alone, it will hurt. But, I will find people who love me, and the pain will die.

For now, I wish I could just be saved. Be happy again.

One day, when I'm older, I'll read back through these. And I'll laugh, or I'll cry, or maybe some of both.

And, I'll think of what has or hasn't happened to change my life.

Whoever you are, who is reading this now, the me-but-not-me, I hope that you are, and will forever feel all the passions, and that you are and will be happy. I hope that you have friends, and love, and that you know who you are, and are happy with what you've become.

Please--I am a part of you. Never forget me.

Find happiness. Love.

And, most important of all:

Be yourself.

I hope that life is better where you are...

"In the arms of the Angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you feel
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel
May you find some comfort here.
You're in the arms of the Angel
May you find some comfort here."

Good luck.

I love you.

Thank you, Nikki-chan, for carrying this message. You are my portal to the future.

"To infinity, and beyond..."


- Vale

Notes from 2010: November 22, 1998.

The first lyrics I quote are from the song "Nothing Beautiful" by The Odds. The second are from "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan.

As I recall, it did break my heart a little every time I went to Izzy's house alone to feed his pets. There were so many memories there, of a friendship and a closeness that I'd lost without quite understanding how or why.

The message to my future self at the end of the entry is a little strange to read--kind of sad, and kind of sweet. Some of my wishes for myself have come true. Others haven't. Some of these entries do make me feel sad for the girl I used to be, and some make me laugh with or at myself, depending. The quote from Toy Story at the end makes me smile.

All I can say to my past self is... I'm still working on it. I'm still unfinished. But things are a hell of a lot better now than they used to be. And I have hope that they'll only continue to get better. For now, it's a good place to be. It's a good place to start.